Driving: You, up a wall

Ahh, nothing like your first nighttime drive. You've just gotten your Level I license, and you're ready to get those hours so you can take your driving test and get your REAL license. Only...uh...you have to drive at night first. Oh, craaap... (just imagine Mr. Sir saying that, ok?)

Now, my first nighttime drive, over a year ago, was nothing out of the ordinary. Turning practice, signal lights, difference between headlights and "brights"...oh yeah, and some dude coming onto his front lawn with a baseball bat because he thought we were circling the neighborhood and about to rob him or something. It was with particular relish that when I filled out the little booklet where you're supposed to record driving hours, I stated that this was "defensive driving."

So a couple of nights ago, I took my first night drive since spring break and found out something very important about myself: I should never, ever drive at night. Period. Unless it's a life-or-death emergency, which this night drive actually turned into when I made a very stupid mistake while making a turn on M-24. Kids, don't try this at home!

Seriously. I think I must've been put under a curse at birth, because whenever I drive at night something screwy happens. First night drive = baseball bat. 2nd night drive = parking lot crisis. 3rd night drive = freak out on highway; spend rest of drive crammed into the back of a pickup truck watching Dad drive. Final night drive, 2 nights ago = what can only be described as a "drawer-shitting party" on M-24.

Oh yes. Profanity. I went there. Believe me, compared to some of the language I've used in the car, the s-word is freaking innocuous. Honestly, it's actually pretty well-deserved, considering some of the situations I've gotten into while on the road.

I am not a bad driver. Really, I'm not. It's just that A) I have bad luck, B) I have bad eyesight (and yes, I DO wear my glasses when I'm driving, THANKYOUVERYMUCH), and C) I have less than a year of on-and-off practice behind the wheel. Add that to my excessive awkwardness, the fact that I'm learning to drive in two different (VERY different) cars, and it's a miracle that I haven't caused accidents that make a war zone look like a birthday party.

So, when I drive at night my nervousness is amplified. I decided that I should try to kick that problem to the curb by--what else?--practicing night driving. I don't even know what the technical term is for what I was trying to do--let's just say I was making a legal u-turn on M-24. You know, with the help of those divider thingies (I THINK it's called a boulevard, not too sure), those things that divide a road so that people can turn around without causing a wreck? Right, well, I now have proof that those things are NOT idiot-proof OR even safe.

So I'm driving at night, and trying to practice switching lanes and turning around. Not so difficult, right? Apparently it is...especially when you've got the visibility of a spider (spiders are veeery nearsighted, or so I'm told) and the practice of a...well, of a teenage girl who's only driven at night three times.

My first problem was that after I got into the turn lane, I would "drift out," a.k.a. move veeery slowly back into the 55-mph traffic. BAD IDEA, obviously, seeing as I was going 30 mph for the turn. As if that wasn't bad enough, I was having trouble keeping my speed up. I am the opposite of a speeder. I have trouble getting up to 40 mph, especially on a two-lane road, in which case I annoy the crap out of people because they want to pass me and BURN RUBBER. Faaail. So you can imagine how much FUN (sarcasm hand rasied) it was to keep up at 55. Yeah...not so much.

But the icing on the cake was when I was going into the turn lane, ready to turn around and go the opposite direction, and I saw a huge WRONG WAY sign staring me right in the face. Obviously, it was there so people didn't turn the opposite way into 55-mph traffic and get creamed. But I took it to mean that I was going the wrong way. (It wouldn't be the first time...I'll explain that later.) So I panicked and started to slow down. And then DAD panicked, rightly so seeing as in addition to slowing down I was "drifting" again, grabbed the wheel, and said a few choice words (well, ONE of us had to). I took that to mean that I was right in my assumption that I was going the wrong way.

But I was actually going the RIGHT way, and stopping was BEYOND bone-headed, it was downwright life-threatening. Long story short, we had to BACK UP on M-24 (this is the part that you should NEVER attempt unless A) you're a trained professional, or B) like me, you are lucky enough to have a moment when there are no cars behind you for about thirtysomething miles) so I could make the turn. This was succeeded by a lecture on the proper execution on a turn and why you should never, EVER do what I'd just done.

The upshot of it all was that I got a great inside joke out of the whole thing (and a healthy respect for turning at night). "Think of it this way," Dad said at the end of his long lane-changing-and-turning-101 speech. "If YOU were scared, think of the guy in the lane next to you! The thing is, in a situation like that, you'll have three people sh**ing their drawers: you, the passenger in your car, and the guy next to you."

"And probably the guy behind me, too," I helpfully added.

"Him too," Dad agreed. And then, to my total amazement, he let me drive home.

On the way, I suggested that we not tell Mom about--and I quote--"my drawer-sh**ing party on M-24." Well, being us, we HAD to tell her what had happened on the road. Only what with my inability to speak at a pace normal humans can understand (anyone who has ever had to say "what? what? WHAT?" during a phone conversation with me knows exactly what I'm talking about), she thought I said "dwarf-sh**ing party" and...well, you can imagine. I don't think we stopped laughing for half an hour.

Little did I know that this was only the beginning of my summer driving troubles.

Today I drove during rush hour (ooh, FUN--sarcasm hand raised again), staring directly into the sun, in an extremely responsive car. The last one sounds stupid, but trust me, if you've been driving a car where you have to stomp on the pedals before it stops or goes, and then you switch to a car that is so responsive that the slightest touch on the brake causes the car to jerk, you might as well be learning to drive all over again.

I'm not going to go into full details. I'm just going to give a list-style overview. Here is, in short, what happened after I got behind the wheel today:

1. I'm used to backing out of the driveway in my dad's truck, which he leaves parked in the driveway (we have a VERY wide driveway, so my mom can get her van out of the garage without Dad having to move his truck). Today I had to back out of the garage in the van...and not only did I run over our front grass, I also ran over our garbage can. Oops.

2. Shortly after I left the housing development, I had to pull over for an ambulance. Only problem? I was in the left lane, and could not get to the right lane thanks to heavy traffic (this was while I was in the middle of town). So, I just stopped and let the ambulance go around me. No collision occurred.

3. Not two minutes after the first ambulance roared past me, ANOTHER came zooming out of nowhere. This time I was in the right lane and able to pull over...only problem with THAT was, a bunch of people in the left lane had to pull over as well. Guess who they chose to cut in front of?

4. You guessed it, ANOTHER DAMN AMBULANCE, followed by a police car, caused me to have to pull over and get cut off AGAIN. All I have to say is, that must've been one hell of a bad accident. Either that, or three accidents occured within five minutes of each other, all of them in the same vicinity.

5. The sun came out. I think this is self-explanatory...at least, it is for any poor, nearsighted person who has ever had to drive without sunglasses.

6. On the way home, I not only had to contend with sun, but also with the fact that I cannot drive more than 35 miles an hour and keep a consistent speed at the same time. I also had to deal with a ton of curves and turns, going at 55, and a few lane changes, which I think we've established I SUCK at, and oh yeah, I was wearing new glasses which I hadn't gotten used to yet. All that in mind, it's a miracle we made it home in one piece.

All I have to say is, thank God I have a full summer to practice before I have to get my license in November...


STOLEN DIALOGUE

"How the hell did I end up on Walden? I wanted to be on Silver Bell! I always f*** that up! How the hell does Mark do that without getting messed up? I swear, the Godd**n street moved!"

Person one: Don't hit that lamppost!
Person two: I SEE the damned lamppost, thanks.
Person one: "Damned?" Well, yeah, you're right...it IS condemned...

"That dude lives at 1024 No-Balls Lane."

"Chad Michael Murray is a scum-sucking sea lizard."

"If you told me an alien landed in my backyard, I might not believe you. But if you told me that I was going to get the highest score on the ACT out of all of my boarding-school-attending, Ivy League-bound friends, I would think you'd completely lost your mind."

Person one: What the hell possessed you to watch Queer as Folk?
Person two: Teenage rebellion, hot guys...camera angles...
Person one: God forbid we ever forget that you go to film school.

[This is an old one. After being in public school and obsessing over getting into Interlochen for months, and then finding out that I got in, I had the following conversation with my friends]
Me: So guess what? I got in! I'm leaving next week!
Person one: Great!
Person two: Wait, you're already going to college? I thought you were a junior this year...
Person one: No, dumbass, she's going to Interlochen!
[Neither one of them knew what Interlochen was until I explained it to them]

"For the past half hour, I've been suffering from 'what the hell is that syndrome.'"

Person one: If Batman were real, I think he'd be best friends with Tim Burton.
Person two [from across the yard]: What? Did you just say that Batman is going to elope with Tim Burton?

You'll be in a world of pure imagination...or not

With remakes attacking Hollywood like ants attack a picnic, debates are popping up in every circle over whose version is "better."

"The original Karate Kid is so much better than the remake; how could it not be, it's a classic!" vs. "Hell no, the remake is so much better, the stunts are cooler and Jackie Chan OWNS!"

Yeah. No thank you. When it comes to remakes, my policy is, "Well...they're two different films, really."

But what if the film in question is an adaptation to begin with? For instance, this summer's The Last Airbender, which is a remake of a film (2005's Avatar: The Last Airbender) that was based on a TV series--that's one movie that you can bet is under pressure. A fan of a TV show--or, heaven forbid, a book--isn't going to give a rat's fart if the director is acclaimed or if the lead role is played by an Oscar-winning actor or actress. No, they only care that the film portrays their beloved characters as realistically as possible.

I've just engaged in a massive argument with a fellow art student over a matter of remakes. Or one remake in particular, I should say: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Loaded topic much? Move over, Twilight--the fans of the original Roald Dahl book would steamroller you guys (although Harry Potter fans might give them a run for their money). And the fans of the 70s film adaptation, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, might just eat those book fans for lunch if said book fans don't agree that the film is the PERFECT representation of Dahl's work.

And then there's the final group, whom I like to call the Purists. I'm sure you've all met them--those people who insist that the book is dark and a representation of the nastiness vs. the innocence of childhood, and that it is in no way to be taken lightly. These are the people who consider the words "Gene Wilder" to be profanity, the people who think that musicals are fluffy brain candy and swear up and down that if the book MUST be made into film, the only man for the job was Tim Burton. And his "dark glamour" representation of the Wonka universe was the ONLY halfway decent representation of that world. Period. Creepy Johnny Depp portrayal, inserts of non-book scenes, Oompa Loompa rock-and-roll and all.

As my friend bluntly said when I told her all of this...wow.

Now, our argument was obviously Old Wonka Film vs. New Wonka Film. And, being a film student, most would think I'd side with the New Wonka Film. After all, Tim Burton is as we all know a BADASS director, and as anyone who knows me is well aware, I absolutely adore him. As well as Johnny Depp, a.k.a. the Remake Wonka. Johnny Depp is a damn good actor--that's putting it mildly. The effects in the newer Wonka film are spectacular, the lighting is great, and the cinematography is so good it nails Twilight to the proverbial wall. It is, without a doubt, a fantastic film.

And I don't like it.

I first saw Tim Burton's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory in summer 2005, when it was first in theatres. It was the first time I'd seen a Tim Burton film in a theatre and, naive, Burton-loving, easily-impressed twelve-year-old as I was, I was blown away. This was when I was just making the transition from "I wanna be an actress and be in cool movies," to "I wanna be a director and MAKE cool movies." A few months later, I received the DVD for my thirteenth birthday and fell in love with Wonka all over again--both the book and the movie--for about two or three weeks. Until recently, December 2005 was the last time I saw the Tim Burton version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

For those of you who have never seen or read Chocolate Factory, let me explain that it is a child's fantasy come to life, on page or onscreen. It's wish fulfillment at its best. Willy Wonka is the primo wacky grown-up, Charlie Bucket is the crackerjack lovable hero, and the other kids (Veruca, Mike, Violet, and Augustus) are perfect brats. You've gotta love it--it is the kid kingdom of total insanity. I won't pretend that it isn't violent in places--what kid's book isn't?--but the way I was introduced to this book, and later the movie, it is mostly a fantastic adventure where good, once again, triumphs over evil.

So, after a long time of not seeing either Wonka movie, and simply reading the book (as the Oompa-Loompas suggest--sorry, couldn't resist a Wonka joke there), I recently watched the re-do. And afterwards, I looked at the copy of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory that had sat next to me through the entire film, and promptly started to cry.

(Don't worry--I'm not crazy, I swear. I'm just veeeery emotional, especially when it comes to art, and yes, I do count writing as art. And I'm a huge Wonka geek. So yes, I cried, and no, it does not mean that I'm losing it. Anyway. Back to the post.)

To me, Willy Wonka is a lovable dork. He loves candy--and he loves kids. He pokes fun at life. He is enthusiastic and crazy in every possible way. He wears bright purple and acts, in general, like a big kid.

He does NOT dress like Michael Jackson (no offense, MJ), wear rubber gloves, burn up dolls for a grand entrance, scare people with his sunglasses, or gag on the word "Parents."

When you step into Wonka's factory, you should feel like you're about to get on a rollercoaster: Kind of nervous, but mostly excited and ready for some fun. You should not feel a sense of foreboding, like you're about to take the ACT without having studied. You should expect surprises--not torture. As Grandpa Joe says in the 70s Wonka film, "It's strange, but it's fun!"

The chocolate room, with the waterfall, should be a place of sheer color and total beauty. Not, I repeat, NOT a creepy thing that could be a megalomaniac's golf course. (Tim Burton's words, not mine.)

The inventing room should look FUN, not like a torture chamber.

The Oompa Loompas should be a SPECIES, not a pack of CLONES. (No offense to Deep Roy, I love him, but...he should've had Oompa Loompa buddies, not just played all of them.)

And why does everyone who makes a movie of Chocolate Factory feel it necessary to change the ending? What's wrong with the original ending? Why do you have to add on? It was iffy enough when the 70s film did it...but the 2005 ending was HORRIFIC, in my opinion.

What disappoints me the most about the movie is that it's GOOD. It really is. I love Tim Burton and I love his style. I loved Edward Scissorhands, I loved Beetle Juice, I loved Sleepy Hollow. To some degree I even loved Batman and Batman Returns, although Michael Keaton's Batman left quite a bit to be desired.

But see, in those cases, darkness WORKED. It was totally okay to drop the black-clad dark angel Edward into pastel suburbia - that was the POINT; he doesn't BELONG THERE. It was perfect to have that dull, monochromatic-but-with-blood-here-and-there thing in Sleepy Hollow; it completely fit the tone of the movie. It worked to have dark mixed with bright color in Beetle Juice, in fact, that was one of the best representations of the afterlife that I've ever seen.

And to be honest, if Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was a stand-alone movie, without a book behind it, I would absolutely love it.

And you know what? While it's true that Willy Wonka changed up things from the book (i.e., the Nut Room is now the Golden Goose room; the addition of the soda-powered train), at least they tried to keep true to the spirit of the book. And think of it this way, they didn't have the means to pull off a hundred superintelligent squirrels in 70s movies...or at least, not in a way that would look semi-realistic. Besides, the golden geese and the locomotive WERE funny, and it's not like they took away from the film in general.

The fact that it was a musical DID fit, in my opinion anyway (keep in mind that anyone who reads this is free to shake their heads at me and go, "Wow, that chick is NUTS!" at any time), and the music was good. Not GREAT, mind you, but GOOD.

So while I'm sure my fellow film majors will give me those "what-are-you-crazy?" looks, and my parents will wonder why the heck I'm taking up an entire blog post to talk about this, and my friends will be bored with the analytical film babbling, I'm going to announce, once and for all, that no matter how good Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is as a cinematic work of art, I love Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory because it so accurately captures the book that I fell in love with as a kid.

There...I said it. :P

No, I'm a mature filmmaker, I swear...

School is out, summer is here, and we all know what that means...

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! IT'S THE ATTACK OF THE CHEESY SUMMER MOVIES!

-insert scary music here-

All right, I will admit to exaggerating. I will also admit that the movies that I want to see this summer are mostly full of Cheese Whiz, as my dad would say; topping my must-see list is Toy Story 3. Hey, no shame in being a Pixar lover, right? Oh, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. Letters to Juliet, The Last Airbender, Eclipse...hold the phone...when did I revert to the age of twelve?

Okay, so maybe I'm not as much of an underground, backstreets, can't-stand-anything-made-by-20th Century Fox indie film geek as I should be. But I'll tell you, these silly summer movies DO have cinematic value...yes, even Eclipse, the Holy Grail of God-awful teen movies, has entertainment value if nothing else. Not to mention casting (Jackson Rathbone ftw!) and cinematography tricks that I am DYING to try out once I get back to Interlochen.

Now, let's be totally honest - half the country will rush into theaters on June 30th to see Eclipse, whether you're a Twilight fan or not. And yes, if you know me, you will know that I think the Twilight franchise is junk--but it's FUN junk, and you know what, there's nothing wrong with indulging in a little fun junk every now and then. The best part is when "fun" and "junk" collide: SparkNotes' "Blogging Twilight" is hilarious, and it reminds us all of how "junky" Twilight really is.

But enough about Eclipse. Here is the list of "real" movies, Netflix-accessed as well as theater-accessed, that I'm excited to see this summer--and why I'm not embarrassed about any of them.

The Last Airbender
Uh-oh...I smell another Avatar on our hands! No, really. After seeing the trailer for this one (while seeing Shrek Forever After...please see title of blog post), I have to admit that it looks like 70% visual effects, 30% long and complex story...and, this is the reason why I am so psyched to see it, 100% good casting. Here is what I know about this film in advance: Zip. Okay, not zip, but pretty close. I know that it is based off a TV series, that it is a remake of a movie that was based on that TV series, and that there was some kind of casting controversy over Jackson Rathbone and Nicola Peltz. That's about it. I know nothing about the plot. All I know is that it has some of my favorite actors--and, from what I've seen, damn good visual effects--and that is essentially the only reason I'm seeing it.

Toy Story 3
I am an official Pixar Geek. I almost cried when Pete Docter won an Oscar. I own the first two Toy Story movies and make a little production of watching them. And yes, I was ready to kill someone when the whole Disney-makes-unofficial-DTV-sequels-to-Pixar-films thing happened back when Disney and Pixar were at odds. But thank God that never happened (the DTV sequels thing, not the me killing someone thing, although I'm proud to say the second thing never happened either), and so we have the brilliant TOY STORY 3!!!!!!!! (yes, it DOES deserve those exclamation points) ready for theatres. And you know what? I'm not going to lie, this is my most-anticipated summer movie. I just can't believe it took them ELEVEN FREAKIN' YEARS to come out with this film!

Letters to Juliet
Everyone needs to see at least one good romantic comedy every season. And besides, it has Vanessa Redgrave and Amanda Seyfried! How the hell do you pass that up? (And NO, Dad, I am NOT just going to see this because it had a Taylor Swift song in the preview.)

Eclipse
New director? Check. Vampire army battle? Check. Chance to gush over Taylor Lautner? Check. Jackson Rathbone taking a more active role than in New Moon? Check. All that's missing is a few girl pals to go and see this with so my dad doesn't have to suffer through another two hours of "No, I love you more!" Oh Kimmy, where aaaare youuuu... ;)

The Cake Eaters (Netflix)
Yep, another Kristen Stewart movie (stop laughing at me, Dan!). But I have more reason than that to want to check out this one. It was directed by Mart Stuart Masterson, one of my all-time favorite actresses, and it's the first time she's directed a film. I swear, if I'd heard about this when it first got into theaters, I would've been at every showing. EARLY.

Big Stan
Another oldie (if 2007 can be considered "old" for a movie), also containing Jackson Rathbone. I have it on good authority that this movie is hilarious, but in such a stupid way that you are more likely to groan in exasperation than laugh. However, it co-stars Jackson as a hippie, so I'm not too worried about its watchability. If this guy can make a Stephanie Meyer vampire into a deep, emotionally driven character, he can work wonders on a prison comedy.

Alice in Wonderland (The Tim Burton version)
One of the many movies that I MEANT to see, but never did. Like The Last Airbender and Big Stan, I am mainly seeing this one for the casting--any film with Alan Rickman, Crispin Glover, Timothy Spall, Anne Hathaway, Helena Bonham Carter, and Michael Sheen MUST have some merit. Now, I don't quite approve of Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter, but hey, you never know until you see it, right? Besides, it's a Tim Burton film, so you KNOW that if nothing else, it will be visually pleasing.

With that, I have to take off the Movie Geek Hat and put on the Dishwasher Hat. More blogging as I actually SEE these movies...on that note, expect a post on Shrek Forever After in the near future.

My Summer To-Do List

First off, a MILLION apologies to Jeff--if I'd had my way this would've been up the second I got up this morning. Thanks to a combination of technical difficulties, household chore interference, and simple bad luck, that didn't happen. But the post is here now so we can all be friends again...right?

So it's summer vacation! HELLZ YEAH! *fakes enthusiasm* Okay. Now, please everyone, promise not to call for the men in white coats, but...I'm actually not too psyched about summer break. Why not, you may ask? Well, three reasons: 1) I'm bored as hell; there is literally nothing to do here during the day except write, IM, and unpack (yes, STILL). And the nightlife is practically nonexistent--that just consists of walking around town, seeing crap movies at the local theater, or a library lock-in. 2) All of my friends are Interlochenites or have moved out-of-state, so I am stuck--really, truly stuck--in the company of adults 24/7. 3) I'm so psyched for senior year! C'mon--no math, chilling all year with Mr. Nadji (yes, I AM planning to take Physics and I feel a lot more comfortable knowing ahead of time that I'll have a good teacher), SENIOR THESIS, being on the Welcome Wagon--who WOULDN'T be excited?

So, keeping all that in mind, I have compiled a summer to-do list so that I won't go batshit insane and actually NEED those men in white coats by July.


1. Get those two treatments done
All MPAs should know this one. You know how Michael assigned us two full treatments by the time we're back from break? Well, I want mine solid before we go back. No more yearlong battles with teachers and thesis advisors for me! In fact, because I don't actually have that much else to do (shocking, right?), I might actually start the scripts, too...

2. Get a summer job!
Don't laugh--I actually WANT a summer job. At Hot Topic. Yes, I am just that weird. But legit, nobody except retail or restaurants will hire anyone under the age of eighteen. So, I figure, if I have to have a job, why not at least have fun with it? Besides, where else can I work that will allow me to wear my dad's old band t-shirts? ;)

3. See as many indie films as possible
Seriously, indie film is officially my life. From my old fave, Elephant, to the latest gem that my parents presented to me via Netflix, Killer Diller, a lot of the best films I've ever seen were independent. Now, for those of you who are not film geeks like me, I just want to set one thing straight: INDIE and MUMBLECORE are two different things, okay? Do not mistake "Indie" for "no music, no plot, just dialogue and totally unknown actors and bad sound/film equipment." That is MUMBLECORE, folks. And I should know, I just studied it in class (and nearly died of boredom in the process).

4. See other, non-Indie films
...Like Toy Story 3, The Last Airbender, and Eclipse. Yes, I am going to see the third Twilight film, and no, it is NOT because I have a crush on Robert Pattinson, because I DON'T. Nor do I have a crush on Kristen Stewart (although I do think she is a fairly good actress). REREAD THAT FIVE TIMES, DAN. The reason I am seeing Eclipse is because 1) I think the casting is genius, and 2) I think that deep down I AM a Twilighter, I just refuse to admit it because it isn't "cool." But then again, neither is listening to Michael Jackson, wearing my dad's band tees, or shopping at Land's End. So...screw it, I like Twilight.

5. Dance like crazy!
Okay, this is another geeky one. But I love, love, LOVE dancing, and this is why: When I was little my dad used to put on his oldies albums and dance with me (I mean, like, REALLY freakin' little, like one or two years old), and that just became our thing over the years. So, I am going back to basics. No more grinding with my buddies in Fine Arts, listening to whatever tacky (and I mean that in the best possible way!) Girl Talk remix that the Interlochen DJ throws out for that night. No flashing lights, pretty outfits, hours styling my hair or doing my makeup. Just me and my dad (and the Who or Bruce Springsteen or Meat Loaf) in the living room, in our pajamas, at one A.M..

6. Drive EVERYWHERE
The plan: Get my license the SECOND I turn eighteen. The strategy: Practice every day this summer, study for the driving tests, and get the license on the first day of thanksgiving break, a.k.a. right after my eighteenth birthday. The obstacle: I am one of the most awkward drivers in the history of teenage driving. I am the opposite of my father; instead of speeding, I fight to get up to the speed limit. I am so afraid of breaking driving laws that I inadvertently break them in my attempt to NOT break them. So hopefully I'll get over that this summer.

7. READ!!!!!!!!
I plan to go banananuts with the books this summer. I didn't have nearly enough time to read in the school year. At the top of my must-read list:
--The Novel - I never finished this book, but I want to. It's GOOD. No joke.
--The 1-800-WHERE-R-U series by Meg Cabot, one of my favorite writers.
--Anything by Gail Carson Levine.
--Hamlet--not the watered-down, Shakespeare-for-Idiots version, but the REAL THING.
And that's just the beginning...

8. Relearn piano
I love music and I miss playing piano. 'Nuff said.


So that is my anti-boredom plan. Maybe not the most interesting, worldly plan on earth, but if nothing else it should be fun to watch. (Sorry, another inside joke with my dad...)


STOLEN DIALOGUE - CAR EDITION
(This stolen dialogue all takes place within the confines of a motor vehicle. The only question is, how have none of the drivers who took place in this dialogue gotten into a wreck from laughing so hard they can't see the road?)

Person one (joking): Just run this guy over.
Person two: No! He has a family!
Person one: No, he has that hat. If he had a family, they wouldn't buy him that hat or allow him to wear it.

Person one: Whenever she gets behind the wheel, she has this evil scientist laugh.
Person two (imitating the person whom person one is referring two): "Hee hee, I'm going to kill both of these hopeless bastards!"

(after getting distracted by a deer and nearly running off the road; Person two is driving and Person three is sitting on the passenger side--the side that came closest to hitting the mailbox)
Person one: You should've seen those deers--they were so cute, eating that landscape, they were just chowing down!
Person two: Oh, believe me, you don't have to tell me about the deer! I'm well aware of it! I saw it! And as a result I almost hit some poor asshole's mailbox!
Person three: Oh, believve me, you don't have to tell me that you almost hit the mailbox! I'm well aware of it!

Person one: I swear on all things good and holy, if you don't shut up I'll--
Person two: "Good and holy?" Honey, there is nothing good OR holy inside this car.

(While taking the long way home)
Person one: Why the hell are we on this road?
Person two: Hey, you're the one who said you'd like for her to have new driving experiences.
Person two: I'd like to get home!
Person one: Well, it's better out here! There's less stuff for her to hit!

(Person one just accidentally leaned on the horn while getting out of the car)
Person one: I have no comment.
Person two: Thank God somebody doesn't.

"My hair has more cowlicks than a dude ranch!"

(While sitting behind a bus, during a traffic jam)
"Why the hell are we parked behind this bus? Parking behind a bus isn't really my idea of a pleasant experience."

Person one: So she kept playing that damn Gavin DeGraw CD over and over! I swear, this guy - Gavin DeGraw - is one of the whinest - worse than the guy from 3 Doors Down -
Person two: Brad Arnold? Oh yeah, he IS the whiniest singer ever.
Person one: Oh, you haven't - no, seriously, I ahve to play you Gavin DeGraw, you think Brad Arnold whines, you haven't heard Gavin DeGraw.
Person two: If my name was 'Gavin DeGraw,' I'd whine too.

(looking at an advertisement for a haunted house, featuring a skeleton)
"$5 off? $5 off what, the skeleton? No, I think I'll leave the skeleton alone, thanks."