Know thy crazy, f'ed-up little self

So, in one of my many late-night Skype sessions with my best friend in the world, I was presented with the idea of writing down everything, major or minor, good or bad, that you've done. Sound vague and pointless? I thought so too, until I read part of her list...and realized, promptly, that for someone who called this girl her best friend, I knew so little about her. This is a girl who I have loved and admired since I met her two years ago, at a sad excuse for a bonfire in the middle of the Northern Michigan woods, and I honestly did not think, back then, that I would ever know her as well as I know her now.

She's told me secrets before, of course, and I've told her plenty of secrets in return. We know things about each other that no one else knows. But there is a difference between hearing a single, isolated secret or memory, and seeing it all written out, in black and white, the good and bad, the beautiful and terrible, the exciting and boring--and then you realize, as you read this long list, that the person whose list you're reading has done and been so much more than you had ever realized.

Then, when you read your own list, you suddenly understand that you, too, have done so much more, been so much more, than you ever could've imagined while it was all floating around, detached and blurred, in your memory. It's empowering. It's amazing. You have this sudden desire to go out and do more, and be more, until your list is 100 pages instead of just a measly five or six--and the best part is, you have the confidence, the drive, to do precisely that.

I'm not going to post my entire list. For one thing, it's way too long, and for another, I don't want to share every secret of mine with the entire world. I'm not ready for that. But I want to post a sample of it, just to show you what it looks like, and hopefully encourage you to make your own list like this. Trust me. It's worth it.

IN MY LIFETIME, I HAVE...

· Met my idol—twice
· Spent more time listening to Red Jumpsuit Apparatus than can possibly be healthy
· Fallen for a douchebag. Multiple times
· Written, directed, and edited four narrative shorts
· Directed and edited two documentaries
· Written countless stories, poems, essays, and screenplays
· Fallen for a gay boy
· Made friends with an Interlochen alum almost three times my age
· Fallen in love with a transgendered college student
· Kissed a girl
· Kissed a boy
· Thrown up at school
· Walked into walls
· Fallen in love with my best friend
· Hated myself for being overweight
· Learned to write by writing fanfiction
· Competed in synchronized skating competitions
· Competed—and won medals—in martial arts tournaments
· Gotten a second-degree black belt in Moo Sool Do
· Gotten rejected by over twenty film festivals (but never stopped trying)
· Gotten into one film festival
· Had my film played on my college’s TV station
· Had my screenplays read publicly
· Cried many, many times
· Lied to my parents
· Felt inferior to my best friend
· Felt inferior to my boyfriend
· Went off the diving board when I was five years old
· Ran a stop sign in my first driving lesson
· Climbed into the catwalk of a theater, terrified every step of the way, but exhilarated once I got up there
· Kept secrets, both mine and others
· Told other people’s secrets to my best friends and felt terrible afterward
· Gone to Coon Creek Orchard countless times with my parents
· Gone to the Pinery with my parents
· Gone to boarding school
· Gone to online school
· Gone to a public high school
· Witnessed illegal drug use
· Fell off of chairs, tables, and down stairs
· Pretended to have read books I hadn’t read just to impress a boy
· Pretended to be an atheist so a boy would like me
· Pretended to hate another boy so a boy would like me
· Got rejected from four colleges
· Got accepted into five colleges
· Gone on a zip line
· Gone canoeing (and hated it)
· Gone hiking with my favorite teacher
· Gone whitewater rafting
· Learned to relish acceptance after countless rejections
· Read and fallen in love with Harry Potter
· Discovered the hard way how unpleasant it was to hate people
· Gotten bullied in various forms, for various reasons
· Worked on twenty short films
· Written countless song lyrics
· Listened to so much music so loudly it’s a wonder I haven’t gone deaf yet
· Wished on over 1,000 stars
· Sung my favorite song in Spanish over and over again for no reason
· Drawn endless pictures with sidewalk chalk
· Played in my backyard for hours on end
· Watched an inestimable number of movies
· Been in a long-distance relationship
· Written a blog
· Become a member of the counterculture
· Gotten into a Facebook catfight with a boy I wish I hadn’t hated
· Gone swimming in the ocean
· Had many glorious snowfights
· Sat under the table at dinner

• · Participated in NaNoWriMo
• · Had my first all-nighter when I was seventeen
• · Went as Milady de Winter for Halloween and felt classier than I’ve ever felt in my life
• · Saw A Clockwork Orange and decided it was the movie of my soul
• · Read Peace Breaks Out and decided it was the book of my soul
• · Read Twisted and decided that I would have to make the movie adaptation
• · Read far more books than could possibly be listed here
• · Watched/listened in total amazement as the president of my college calmly and objectively watched my movie, then told the head of Advocacy Team that it was “a great effort”
• · Ate lunch with Interlochen’s finest teachers
• · Lost faith in my once-favorite teacher, and desperately wished I could regain that faith
• · Engaged in an endless battle of wits and soul with my junior-year thesis advisor—still not sure if I lost
• · Hated myself for failing, multiple times
• · Faced a much-needed four AM intervention from my roommate and a fellow MPA
• · Realized my mistakes far too late to correct them
• · Hated a boy so much that I let it change who I was
• · Made the first gay-themed film of my school—and cleared the path for other students to make those types of films
• · Watched my first horror movie and decided to be a filmmaker afterwards
• · Fell in love with Tim Burton
• · Watched helplessly as my best friend was taken away from me mid-school year, twice
• · Started a resistance with my best friends
• · Sung loudly and happily in the Bowl late at night, rules be damned
• · Made (bad) movies with my dad from the time I was in elementary school
• · Saw countless plays and musicals
• · Saw The Rocky Horror Show live, twice
• · Learned to play the piano
• · Taught my dad how to play the piano
• · Learned how to do improv acting
• · Tried out for high school improv team and didn’t make it
• · Got tiny, insignificant roles in just about every play I tried out for
• · Gave up acting and went into filmmaking full-time
• · Took a video/media class and was ruthlessly and relentlessly tortured by the boys in said class
• · Tried to make a movie in that class anyway
• · Went to Interlochen Summer Arts Camp to learn how to make movies
• · Fell in love with Interlochen
• · Applied to Interlochen Arts Academy and got in
• · Loved Interlochen so much that I never wanted to leave
• · Hated the MPA department so much that I sometimes wondered why I’d gone into filmmaking in the first place
• · Fell in love with filmmaking all over again thanks to my best friends
• · Graduated with honors, for which I did not receive credit
• · Won an iPod Touch in a school contest
• · Lost so many contests I’ve stopped counting
• · Won an obituary contest at my library
• · Was runner-up in a poetry contest at my library
• · Volunteered in the kids’ section at my library for three summers
• · Joined the most amazing Christian fellowship to ever exist at my college
• · Threw myself into a pile of snow, just because it was there
• · Participated in two ice shows
• · Jumped into infinite piles of leaves
• · Sang in a church choir
• · Cried hysterically watching Elephant
• · Survived Whooping Cough and Swine Flu
• · Danced, played pool, and bowled all night with a boy I was madly in love with
• · Been given amazing compliments by the most beautiful, soulful woman I have ever met
• · Prayed at the strangest times
• · Gone sledding with my dad
• · Gone on countless amusement-park rides

· Places I’ve been:

o Northern Michigan

o Montana

o Canada

o Texas

o Ohio

o North Carolina

o Maryland

o West Virginia

o Virginia

o Kentucky

o New Mexico

o Chicago

· Places I’ve lived:

o Northern Michigan

o Southern Michigan

o Maryland

• · Found my first best friend in a martial arts class
• · Lost that best friend a year later
• · Reconnected with that girl, but no longer called her my best friend
• · Read A Separate Peace when I was thirteen years old and cried inconsolably
• · Wrote notes to my best friend in a semi-useless attempt to get her through difficult times
• · Decided that Cyrano de Bergerac is the play of my soul
• · Saw The Godfather and that Francis Ford Coppola is vastly overrated
• · Got fired by a fifteen-year-old
• · Been called:

o “You sneaky woman you”

o Little girl

o Lazy

o Annoying

o Stupid

o “Fingernails on a chalkboard”

o Ridiculous

o Compassionate

o Skilled writer

o Terrible writer

o Hopeless

o Naïve

o Pathetic

o Boring

o Weird

o Wild

o Over-emotional

o Useless

o Hipster

o Uneducated

o Too smart for my own good

o Wonderful

o Beautiful

o Ugly

o Fat

o Loser

o Dumbass

o Irritating

o Dateable

o Too curious

o Too sensitive

o Too loud

o Too shy

o Too quiet

o Too judgmental

o Too modest

o Too Christian

o Arrogant

o Atheist

o Hypocritical

o Lovely

o Kind woman

o Smart woman

o Kick-ass woman

· I’ve played the role of:

o Filmmaker

o Daughter

o Surrogate sister

o Best friend

o Cousin

o Girlfriend

o Enemy

o Rival

o Student

o Teacher

o Charge

o Protector

o Scapegoat

o Rebel

That's the EDITED version of the list. The real list is much longer, much more revealing, much more in-depth. But do you see now what this does? You know what to do now. So go do it. Make a list like this. You'll be surprised what it does for you.

I have gone over to the dark side

That title pretty much sums it up. I am not ashamed to say that in my first few weeks of college, I have essentially turned into Superhipster--using slang no one understands, listening to music no one's ever heard of, wearing red lipstick and cloche hats to class, the whole nine yards. This was not intentional, I swear to God. And yes, I can absolutely still poke fun at the whole subculture (today I used the word "mainstream" instead of "normal" and immediately had to laugh at myself), but I think it's safe to say that I am not going to be promoting Disney on this blog anytime soon.

I blame this in part on Jonathan Slade. I really do. This man is a freaking genius, and his classes (Intro to Media and TV Production, just to recap) are mindblowing. Intro to Media is so much more than just a "This is what you need to know to pass" kind of class. This is a "what you need to know to LIVE" class. We watched a documentary called "Merchants of Cool" last week, and I swear on my life I was just sitting there crying for a good half of it. The damn thing was released in 2001, but it's even more relevant today, and I'm not exaggerating. Basically, it's about how teenagers are the most targeted demographic in terms of marketing. We are the generation with the most disposable income. We are the ones who spend the most money, so we are the ones to set the standards of what is and is not "cool."

Here. Educate yourself: Merchants of Cool

I have honestly never seen anything like this documentary. Without going into boring, school-essay-like detail, basically, "Merchants of Cool" outlines exactly how the media manipulates kids. It's an endless feedback loop: They sell us a stereotype (the example used in the documentary was Britney Spears), and then we try to emulate whatever they've sold us, because we see it as "cool." They watch us, trying to figure us out, trying to find new things to sell us, and when they see us doing what they've shown us how to do, they simply re-sell it as the newest thing. (Example: in 2001, it was Britney Spears. In 2005, it was Lindsay Lohan. In 2011, it's Ke$ha. It just goes on and on.)

Now, the part that I found truly heartbreaking was the last ten minutes or so, where the rage-rock band Insane Clown Posse was featured as the head of a rare underground culture. But guess what? This band that was once held so near and dear to locals and counterculture members signed to a major label and became a mainstream hit, just like fellow rage-rockers Limp Bizkit, proving that the media will re-package teen rebellion and sell it just like any other product. As documentary host Douglas Rushkoff so bluntly puts it, "Welcome to the machine."

In the last moments of the show, Rushkoff asks questions to which there is (still) no answer."So is there anywhere the commercial machine won't go? Is it leaving any room for kids to create a culture of their own? Do they even have anything that's theirs alone? All eyes are on our kids. They know they're being watched. But what or whom can they look to themselves? And what if they turn and fight? The battle itself is sponsored, packaged and sold right back to them."

At that point, I will confess that I just put my head down on my Intro to Media binder and cried.

Why? Because it's so true.

Think about it. There is so little left that is our own. I'm not saying that if someone else likes something you like, it's not okay for you to like it--I think I've made my views on that sort of attitude fairly apparent. But what I am saying is that if something speaks to you--if you feel that something is truly yours--and then you discover that whatever or whoever you worship is absolutely nothing like the image in your mind, it hurts like hell, and I've felt that firsthand so many times by now that you'd think I'd be used to it...but it's one of those things that you never really do get used to, I suppose, because every time I lose faith in someone or something, it feels as painful as it did the day I discovered that Tyson Ritter was in no way a sensitive, swooning romantic.

I refuse to idolize celebrities anymore. I did that when I was thirteen, fourteen, fifteen years old and had no clue what the hell the media could do to a person. I did that when I considered it the epitome of excitement to get dressed up and go to a Jonas Brothers concert in the über-classy Fox Theater with hundreds of other girls. No, thank you. That's all over with now.

If you look at the bands I've cited as my true favorites, they pretty much fall into two categories: either oldies/classic rock or independent bands that nobody has ever heard of. And to me, an "independent" band is not a tiny, labelless band that has never released a proper album or played for a crowd of more than ten. "Independent" is, plain and simple, real. A band that knows what they stand for and is not afraid to speak up. A band who will use whatever scraps of commercial success they manage to achieve to make the world a better place in any way they can.

Have you guessed by now that I'm speaking of Red Jumpsuit Apparatus? Of course I am. I absolutely adore this band. I've seen them live three times, and I'd see them again, anytime they're within any kind of reasonable radius. I love them, but not for their sexy lead singer (because trust me, guys, Cillian Murphy he isn't) or because they're the hottest thing around. I love them because their music speaks to me, plain and simple.

Here is how much I love RJA: They could completely and totally sell out--and I mean they could just go nuts, they could sign to Razor & Tie, release singles on the radio and rocket to #1 on every conceivable chart, do commercials for breakfast cereal and sports drinks and men's cosmetics, have so much money that they could paper the Empire State Building with it and still have plenty left over--and as long as they did not change their sound, I wouldn't care in the least. Well, I mean, I'd care--I'd be disappointed in them, to be sure--but I wouldn't stop listening to them, as long as they still had those tell-it-like-it-is lyrics and that head-banging, cathartic-as-anything-you-can-imagine sound.

But when I step back and look at how many like RJA are in my musical arsenal, when I look at the contents of my iTunes and what I look up on Youtube, I realize just how rare it is for a band to be so beautifully sincere with every song they release. So far I've found a few others--The Almost, Cloud Cult, The Offspring, Senses Fail, Augustana, Meg & Dia--but on the whole, it's so often the case that people don't just say what they mean. And why? Because it's not what people want to hear.

Look at the hit songs of today, for God's sake! It's all about partying. Katy Perry, with "Last Friday Night," Ke$ha with "Tik Tok," Hot Chelle Rae with "Tonight Tonight," Miley Cyrus with "Party in the USA," the Black-Eyed Peas with "I Gotta Feeling." It's all about getting glammed up and having a good time. And it's not just the music industry--it's in the movies, too. When a lovely little piece of cinematic art (can you smell the sarcasm?) called The Hangover came out about two years ago, telling the oh-so-riveting story of a trio of complete idiots who take their best buddy out for a bachelor party and get so messed-up in the process that the next day they literally can't remember anything, it was an immediate hit. And then, guess what? THEY PUT OUT A SEQUEL. I don't even want to know the thought process going on in the script meetings. "Hmm, these guys are complete idiots, we saw that in the last film, right? Oh, thank God--THAT MEANS WE CAN GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING."

I hate movies like The Hangover with a burning passion. I can understand "party music," and I love rocking out on the dancefloor like anyone else--and I respect Ke$ha more than you can imagine; it takes major balls to be a white female and rap on your CDs, even in this day and age--but movies like The Hangover and, heaven help us all, its sequel, require absolutely no imagination. Well, no, I take that back. The first one took imagination, I'll give them that--and waking up with a tiger in the bathroom was one of the only truly funny jokes in the entire miserable franchise--but it's not the kind of imagination needed to come up with a concept like School of Rock. If you're going to make a comedy, please, filmmakers, I beg you, make it a good one. Do not throw a handful of drunken, drugged idiots into situations that couldn't conceivably happen in our universe. Farce only works if it's clever. The Hangover is not clever. In patches, maybe, but as a whole, hell no.

I didn't mean for this blog post to be an unending rant against mainstream culture. Just so no one thinks I'm beyond hope, I promise you guys I have my weaknesses just like anyone else. I grew up on Disney, and to this day I tear up every time I hear the theme from Beauty and the Beast. I am addicted to Harry Potter like you would not believe (I don't think this should come as a surprise). I love rocking out to Katy Perry and Ke$ha, because no matter what you can't deny that these women are BAMFs. And the first time I saw Mean Girls, I laughed until my stomach hurt.

So no, I'm not an unrecognizable douche. Yet. But when I think of how far downhill the film industry is going, and when I think about how the music industry utilizes auto-tune more and more frequently with each release, and when I think about how our own rebellion has become a commercialized, re-packaged, plastic product, I seriously question myself. Can I really support an industry like that? And if I can't, how in the hell am I going to make a living as a filmmaker? Should I be afraid right now? Should I go into psychology or major in English, just because I know I'll never be able to make it in an industry based solely on competition, selling out, and pure commercialism?

I don't know. I won't know for a long time. But I pray that when the time comes, I make the right choices.

College vs. Blogging

Well, that title about sums it up. I have literally no time. Between classes, Advocacy Team, InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, and Philosophy Club, I'm pretty much booked. I had a Spanish test this morning that I am 99.9% sure I did not do well on (but I'm pretty sure I at least passed), and tonight I have to film my credit sequence/intro for Terror TV in TV Productions (but I don't mind that because Jonathan Slade is, as I've said before, the BAMF of all BAMFS). So I have no time to blog.

And, unfortunately, I don't have any time right now either, because I have to fact-check my reader script for tonight's news broadcast, e-mail a bunch of people to set up interviews for my Night of Nets documentary, find someone to compose the music for What's Left of You, and start working on an essay for my first-year seminar. Whew! So, with all that in mind, please understand (yes, people who have been bugging me even after I explained this to you, I AM LOOKING AT YOU RIGHT NOW) that I won't always have time to blog.

But right now, against my better judgment, I am blogging. Because I missed it. Because it's fun. Because I absolutely can't wait to share a ton of accumulated stolen dialogue with you.

Now, if you told me that once I got to college, I'd spend Saturday nights looking up malaria statistics and listening to Ryan Cabrera and Jesse McCartney (but only after watching A Clockwork Orange, of course), I'd think you were on milk-plus. (Heh. See what I did there? No? Okay, you people have got to see that movie. Really. You do.) But that's what I've been doing pretty much every free evening this past week. Well, that and wading through piles of flash cards and conjugation charts, and being tortured at the hands of my Spanish teacher whose idea of fun is trying to hold an entire conversation, in Spanish, about Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis' inter-cultural relationship.

You see, I am part of the McDaniel Advocacy Team. I don't think it's any secret that I have a bit of a thing for social issues. (Just ask anyone who's ever heard my rant on gay marriage or gotten a red ribbon shoved under their nose at the end of October.) But I never realized the scope of what I could do to help until I joined the Advocacy Team at my college...in the very same semester that I got into a TV Production class where we put out a newscast every week.

We spent our first meeting of the Advocacy Team calling and e-mailing senators, telling them to make sure nutrition programs were kept in schools, so that kids who can't get enough to eat at home can get a school lunch every day. Now, I don't know about you, but it's been my experience that most of the time, the first club meeting of the year is a whole lot of "Hi, I'm ____, I'm a junior/senior _____ major, and THIS is what we do in ____ Club!" and not much action. But with Advocacy Team, we were working to make a difference on the very first night. And I was just sitting there thinking, "Okay. This is my kind of deal."

And this month we're also doing "A Night of Nets" to raise money for malaria-preventing mosquito nets. My job is to make a short film/documentary to promote the event and raise malaria awareness. This documentary will play on Terror TV and probably be promoted on the internet. I'm excited. Not only will I be promoting awareness for a serious issue, but I'll also be getting my name out there and showing that I can do more than just cute little narrative films about rock stars and oversensitive gay boys. The last time I made a documentary, I was a sophomore in high school and promoting my school play. This will be more serious, with a sharper edge--I know it'll be hard to pull off, but I'm going to go for it. This is my chance to make a difference. I CAN DO THIS.

So, there's that. And then there's TV Production in itself, which is, to be blunt, a shit-ton of work. Ditto for Intro to Media. Not gonna lie, ItM is NOT my favorite class, sadly enough. I love Slade, and I love cinema, but ItM is comprised of two basic things: 1) Stuff I already know and am bored when we discuss it in class, and 2) Stuff I don't already know but think I do and make a fool of myself discussing it in class. Not so much fun, when push comes to shove. But I think I'm going to like our massive marketing project...if I can ever decide on an issue to promote, that is.

So. Now you know pretty much everything I've been doing the last few weeks. And I honestly don't have time to do much else with this post, so...

~STOLEN DIALOGUE~

[A little note: I've decided to stop censoring the curse words/anatomy slang words on Stolen Dialogue. I'm sorry if it offends anyone, but this is college, and people curse, and when this occurs in stolen dialogue it is absolutely hilarious. So again, I don't mean to be offensive, but I'm not going to censor the stolen dialogue. So, to paraphrase Dave Barry, if you do not want to see bad words, do not read this part of the blog.)

"A tiger walking into Glar [dining hall] is no joking matter."

Person one: How did you get his phone?

Person two: Well, you see, there's these things called "roofies..."

Person one: Don't need to say anymore.

Person one: Are you okay?

Person two: Usually not. But today I am.

Person one: Dude, I saw our mascot--it is a fucking MUPPET, okay?

Person two: Don't use those words together, please...

Person one: There was one straight guy for every ten gay guys. Can you imagine how many girls turned bi out of sexual frustration?

Person two: Ha. "I am sexually angry...I will start dating chicks now..."

"I have a little problem called, 'What the hell, how does one person own so many books?'"

"I guess if I need something moved, I should ask a 60-year-old woman."

"Can we move on to level-two dumbass suggestions?"

"It's probably not that attractive to call your spouse a moron."

"Who the hell cooks a rabbit in this day and age? I hate that moms are like, 'Oh, this book is going to make my little boy grow up to be a man, and learn how to cook a frickin' rabbit!'"

Person one: Shall we move on to a point that's going to make you even more annoyed?

Person two: Go for it.

"I'm an English professor, so I'm down with 'Everybody should know some Shakespeare,' but...it doesn't strike me as 'dangerous' or 'for boys,' like--I know Shakespeare, do I have to get a sex change?"

(talking about yeast infections)

"I mean, it's...supposed to be in bread...what is it doing down there?"

(talking about an early 20th century sex manual)

"When Stopes is saying 'not returning his ardent passion,' she means 'does not want to fuck.'"

"I have never said, 'Hey, do you want me to joyously yield to you tonight?'"

"City life...it's a hotbed of premature ejaculation."

"If I went up to my crush in high school and said, 'Hey, want to weed my parents' garden this weekend?' he'd probably look at me like, 'What are you smoking?'"

"Secluded garden for a first date? What are we, Adam and Eve?"

"Weeds have great self-defense systems."

"Cats are some serious loud when they go at it. You might think, 'So is my roommate,' but cats are worse."

"Whenever I see a study like this, no matter how scientific it claims to be, my bullshit-o-meter comes out."

"I am up to my ass crack in flash cards."

"I miss the pee pee run!"

Person one: Um...true or false: I once pulled twelve infected worms out of a rabbit's butt.

Person two: Who the hell makes that up?

"Maybe God is just like, 'Crocs! Hallelujah!'"

"Hello? Hey, Dad...I was just doing my black pastor impersonation...yeah, we were talking about Crocs."

"Oh no...why did you circumcise the Eiffel Tower?"

That's your liberal arts education right there, baby!

OH MY GOD WHAT A RUSH...it has been FOREVER, I know, but holy crud muffins, this place...I thought Interlochen kept you busy...but man oh man, McDaniel knows how to eat up every bit of free time a person has, with social events as well as homework. I swear, in the last few days, I have had one hell of a roller coaster ride. I have gone from laughing like an idiot to crying hysterically in under an hour. I have seen kids my age doing things that a good percentage of adults don't know how to do. I saw a show called CHOICES that absolutely made my life. (I will throw this out there, for consideration: Two guys acting out Black Swan, leotards and all, with a cameo by another male student as "Kevin Bacon from Footloose, your RA." Not kidding.) I love this place more with every minute I spend here. With each day, I am more convinced that McDaniel is the right place for me.

My cinema teacher, Professor Slade, is quickly rivaling Danny Daneau for the position of "Best Teacher Ever." No joke. This is a man who made it clear from the start what his expectations of us were and what we could expect of him--I don't know many high-school teachers who will do that on the first day. Heck, neither of my other teachers at this college did that! He treats us like adults who want to learn, not kids who are here because we have to be. (The fact that he is my professor for my favorite subject may slightly influence this opinion, to be fair. But still.) Also. The title of this blog post is a direct quote from him. So that's cool too, right? ;)

TV Production is taught like we're actually a big-name TV studio--deadlines and all. We MUST put out a news broadcast EVERY week, no exceptions--which means that every student has to bring in a news story every week. Don't know yet what my script will be this week (I kind-of-sort-of-might-have stood up the person I was supposed to interview...not good. Long story short: don't get sick and pass out in your dorm room after class when you have to interview someone for class), but I know that I have absolutely no fears whatsoever about this class. I'm comfortable here, and not just because I've worked the crew-position rotations before. I love working with Slade--and I know I said that about my previous film teachers, some of whom turned out to be not-so-great, but I feel like this is going more like a Danny Daneau class than an Anthony Penta class. (Sorry, Anthony.)

Now, obviously, college kids are subject to all kinds of new experiences, some of which, like living in a dorm room, I thought I'd already experienced via Interlochen. WRONG. College, I quickly found out, is NOTHING like Interlochen. What's the difference, some of you ask? (Oh, you wonderful, naïve people...) Well...

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN COLLEGE AND INTERLOCHEN 101

IF A GUY COMES OUT OF YOUR ROOM...

At Interlochen: The statistical probability is that he is gay, and has just finished giving you a makeover or choosing your clothes for an event.

At college: The statistical probability is that you just had sex.

How I found this out: The hard way, pun not intended...one night, I decided to exercise the newfound freedom of having friends over whenever the hell I wanted, regardless of gender, and brought a guy friend to my room to hang out with me and my roommate. We chilled, we talked. I showed him He's A Rockstar and had a nice little read-along session of Cyrano de Bergerac. Then when he left, GUESS WHAT? A bunch of girls in the hall were looking at us weird, with that kind of expression that just screams Oh my God they just had sex! I had a what-the-hell moment, and then--embarrassment time!--he had to explain it to me!

IF YOU MISS A CLASS...

At Interlochen: All hell breaks loose. Well, not really, but that's what it feels like. You get detention, your teacher lectures you, and you get that lovely phone call with your worried parents, who are afraid that skipping one class will lead you down a path of death, destruction, and low grades.

At college: Quite simply, no one gives a damn. If you miss a class, it's your fault. No one comes after you, no one gives you detention, no one tells your parents. The teacher doesn't talk to you, unless you initiate the talking ("Hey, Professor, what the hell did I miss?"). It really is your responsibility to be in-class on time and to do all your work on time, or you don't get the grade. End of discussion.

How I found this out: Simple--my professors told us. Up-front. "Hey, kids, guess what--this is YOUR problem now. Get up, get here, or get an F. Easy choice."

IF YOU FORGET YOUR HOMEWORK...

At Interlochen: Your teacher says, "Oh, just run back to you room and get it."

At college: Your teacher says, "Sorry, you don't get a grade for this assignment."

How I found this out: Again, the teachers just told us up-front...but I've heard horror stories about teachers who don't, and are then surprised when kids drop their class as soon as humanly possible.

IF YOU STAY UP PAST ELEVEN-THIRTY...

At Interlochen: You get a lights-out infraction and are dormed the following day.

At college: You wake up tired the next morning, or you sleep through your class...or you get lucky and get a schedule where your first class is at three in the afternoon.

How I found this out: When I almost fell asleep in Spanish after staying up until one AM the night before my eight AM class. Trust me, the last thing you want to be at college is a night owl.

IF YOU SMOKE...

At Interlochen: You are in BIG TROUBLE if you get caught. You just never see anyone with a cigarette, even if they are of age. Why? Because it's a suspendable, and in some cases expellable, offense to smoke on the campus.

At college: Go ahead, just do it outside so that you don't set off the smoke alarms or, even worse, set the building on fire.

How I found this out: Hoo, boy. Was I ever in for a surprise when I walked across Red Square my first day of classes. I hadn't expected to see smoking--really, I hadn't even thought of it--but I must say, it wasn't exactly pleasant to walk through a cloud of smoke to get to class.

IF YOU DON'T WEAR THE UNIFORM...

At Interlochen: You will be subjected to lectures from your teachers, unexcused tardies, or dirty looks from classmates who have been subjected to the above while you have not. Moreover, if you wear a skirt that does not come to your knees, your Dean of Students will be all over you--even while the other girls show off their thongs in shorter-than-a-t-shirt skirts.

At college: Uniform? What uniform? The only time clothing is mentioned is when fashion-savvy students compliment one another's outfits.

How I found this out: I walked onto campus and was not assaulted by the Cult of Blue Polos.

IF YOU'RE A HIPSTER...

At Interlochen: EVERYONE is a hipster, or some facsimile, so good luck standing out. It's not enough to just be a hipster. You have to be truly unique. (Like the Dead Poets...le wink...)

At college: Mention Dakota Skye, and people will think you're talking about your hometown. Say your favorite band is "The Almost," and people will reply, "Almost what?" Here, if you want to stand out, it's not exactly easier--consider the fact that there are over 15oo kids here, for starters--but it's not like Interlochen, where everyone is out of the mainstream.

How I found this out: Walk into class wearing a pencil skirt, white blouse, pearls, and cloche hat, and you will get weird looks. It's a fact. (No, I totally didn't do this the first day of classes, what are you talking about?!)

IF YOU DRINK...

At Interlochen: You will get suspended. And possibly expelled. So if you do it, you'd bloody well better hide that habit as best as you can, unless you'd like a very unpleasant conversation with J-Wes.

At college: You're normal. Well, somewhat normal, anyway. It's not as bad as everyone makes it out to be--people are sober in class, for the first week at least--but the college does acknowledge that it happens and makes it very clear that while what you do off-campus is your decision, but if a dorm says substance-free it should stay substance-free.

How I found this out: During Orientation Week, we had an event called "Happy Hour with Mike Green," where an ex-alcoholic came and talked to us about safe drinking. Confused? So was I...for the first few minutes, anyway. And then I laughed my ass off. This guy is amazing. Seriously--it was not your average safe-drinking lecture.

On the whole, yes, it's true that college is considerably freer than Interlochen. Here we are truly given the opportunity to be ourselves. Here, we are not forced into any role, artistic or otherwise. Here, you decide who you will be--and how to live with the consequences of your decisions. I pray that Interlochen has given me the decision-making skills to thrive in a place like this, where we are held accountable from day one. I don't know yet. Only time will tell.

It's going to be an exciting four years...

OH OH OH. Before I sign off, I have to announce something very important: He's A Rockstar has been accepted to the Great Lakes International Film Festival!!!!!!!!!! (I'd keep going with the exclamation points, but it's just not that professional.) This is my first-ever film festival acceptance, and I cannot tell you how excited I am to FINALLY get my film out there for all the non-Interlochenites to see! :D

So, you really should see this film festival, if at all possible--it's in Erie, PA, September 23-24. Now, here's the cool thing about it: You don't actually have to go to the film festival in-person to see the films. GLIFF offers a special online program where you can see the films WITHOUT GOING TO THE FESTIVAL, from September 22 to October 1! HOW COOL IS THAT?

Here's the link to the He's A Rockstar Facebook page, which will tell you all you need to know, including a link to the GLIFF official site, with more info on the streaming-online thing:

He's A Rockstar

Please for the love of all that's good and holy, check it out..."like" it...log onto GLIFF on September 22 and watch it! YOU WON'T BE DISAPPOINTED!

And now that my shameless self-advertising is over, may I present the...

~STOLEN DIALOGUE~

"Not only am I homicidal, I'm...what's another 'idal?'...I'm...AMERICAN IDOL!"

Person one: I stand by what I said earlier in the year: as his roommate, how did you not just laugh your ass off all the time?

Person two: Well...once it fell off, there wasn't much I could do about it.

Person one: Where the hell did this rubber duck come from? Seriously, I don't remember where I got this!

Person two: Hmm...Rubber Duck Fairy?

"That's one place where you have to do a little cost-benefit analysis with the old dead limb metaphor...I swear to God I didn't realize how weird that sentence was until AFTER I said it..."

"If you made Kim Kardashian memorize the ingredients of peanut butter, it would make up about half of what she knows now."

Person one (seeing a group of unsavory-looking men): Oh yeah, these are the guys I want to party with tonight!

Person two: You probably will...

Person one: I got us the Motor Coach package! I don't know what that is, but...

Person two: What? You got us the Horticulture Package?

"I have no idea what this conversation is about...but I know it's inappropriate."

Person one: Just for the record, I've been running back and forth getting French toast this whole time.

Person two: So how you've managed to interrupt the conversation twelve times is a feat!

"You could just write an essay about that, with the title, 'Why I Can't Put My Parents' Conversation About Douching On My Blog.'"

"It's not like I'll be taking attendance, like, 'Damn you, you have no ice cream!'"

"Everyone should know how to make a risotto? Bite me!"

"My daughter asked me if childbirth hurt, and I had to try really hard--I just barely kept myself from saying, 'Like a motherf**ker.'"

Person one: They asked me what color I wanted my wedding shoes to be, and I said white. And then they asked, "Well, do you want bone, cream, or eggshell?" And to me, those all come under the heading of "white."

Person two: Bone? Is that even a color?

Person two: Well, according to the shoe salespeople, it is.

"If I'm lying on a table with my feet in the air and something between my legs, that to me just says 'Gynecological exam'--everyone's favorite day of the year, right?"

"The health center will diagnose you pregnant. Even you, Sean."

"Walking? Whose freakin' brilliant idea was that?"

"I started having over-the-internet ice cream lust."

"Today we'll go over the syllabus and talk about media literacy...but first, I will perform the ceremonial butchering of everybody's names..."

"You know what sitting in the front says to me? It says, 'I am engaged! I am willing to learn from this crazy bastard!'"