You know you live with a film major when... [Dedicated to my roommate and suitemates!]

...You find screenplays in the bathroom.

...You get hit up to be in movies several times a week (or several times a day).

...You are used to hearing your roommate rant about something, and at the end of it they turn to you and say, "Sorry...you'd have to be a film major to get it."

...Your roommate's half the room is drowning in paperwork - scripts, treatments, workshop notes, location waivers, casting calls, feedback worksheets, crew lists, you name it - and it is constantly spilling over onto your half of the room.

...That buzzing noise at 2 A.M. is, sadly, nothing more interesting than your roommate's assistant director calling to tell her that he just finished her shooting schedule.

...You are familiar with the terms 'gaffer,' 'grip,' 'beat analysis,' 'mule,' 'clamp,' 'FCP,' 'edit suite,' and 'ass hat' (as in, what your roommate's fellow film major was being yesterday).

...You have gotten lights-out infractions because your roommate was up late AGAIN working on her latest cut, and the glare from her Final Cut Express document was somehow mistaken for an overhead light.

...You have overheard your roommate/suitemate crying her eyes out, and rushed into her room only to discover that the tragedy was that she didn't get accepted into a backwater film festival.

...The word 'hipster' is often used to describe your roommate, despite the fact that she swears up and down that she is not in fact a hipster, she's just "indie."

...The presence of flannel shirts, tough jeans, and heavy socks in your roommate's bed is not because her (nonexistent) boyfriend stayed over last night, it is because she has a shoot tomorrow and had to do last-minute laundry.

...The following situation has occurred at least once: You have been listening to your iTunes or radio, minding your own beeswax, and your roommate/suitemate has scared the daylights out of you by gasping and saying, "Oh my God!" and making you think something's wrong...and then adding excitedly, "This song was in [insert film here]!"

...You know that when your roommate is frantically searching the room saying, "Where are my gloves?" she's not talking about cold-weather protective gear.

...It's the norm for your roommate to alternate between getting up long before you and staying up all day to pulling an all-nighter and then sleeping through her alarm.

...Your roommate/suitemate has two personalities: One is the patience-of-a-saint façade that she puts up around other film majors or film teachers, and the other is the screaming, ranting monster who comes out whenever they're not around and she desperately needs to vent about their rudeness and/or incompetence.

...Instead of gushing about a movie star or rock star crush, your roommate/suitemate gushes about her favorite director/screenwriter/indie actor/cinematographer.

...The sentence "If my thesis advisor _______ one more time..." has become VERY familiar to you.

...Your roommate/suitemate constantly asks to use your printer, sun lamp, scissors, or makeup for her film.

...You are used to being greeted with, "Will you read/watch this and tell me what you think?" and having a computer shoved into your hands when you've barely put down your backpack or take-out food.

STOLEN DIALOGUE:

Person one: I want your benjamin.

Person two: I know, I could tell from the moment I called on you.

"So I'm standing there, naked and well-protected...please do not picture this..."

"What am I supposed to do, show a picture of two people having sex? Luckily I keep one in my pocket, for times like this..."

Person one: So we were playing the airplane game, where you sit with a group of people and try to figure out, if the world ended while you were up in an airplane with these specific people and you were the only survivors, who would you choose to mate with so you could repopulate the planet?

Person two: Well...technically...everyone would have to screw everyone else.

Person one: So I spent time I should've been doing homework reading this Harry Potter fan fiction...

Person two: Will you marry me?

"All of a sudden, the traffic light turns yellow, and we turn into anarchists."

Person one: I will do any favor you ask of me...

Person two: I want a trillion dollars and a Red camera.

Person one: ...If it's within my capacity to do it.

Person two: Okay, a million dollars and a Red camera.

"Some people are traumatized by latex."

"Some drunk people can recite Shakespeare, and some drunk people can't sharpen a pencil."

"Your ass, lovely as it is, is not welcome in my face."

For you see, my roommate is...doing laundry in Stone Cafeteria

After listening to a morningful of complaints about icky roommates, laundry procrastination, and cafeteria-induced sickness, I have resolved to complain a LOT less from now on.

Submitted for your consideration (yes, this DOES count as stolen dialogue):

"I have reason to believe that my roommate is the daughter of Satan."

"What the hell were they thinking, putting a devout Baptist in the same room as a bisexual Atheist? Were they TRYING to cause an explosion?"

"If laundry service sends back ONE more piece of my clothing with a hole in it, I'm going to kill someone."

"Stone Cafeteria is enough to make the most hardcore carnivore convert to vegetarianism."

"I have been living on Oreos for six months."

"I have to do f***ing laundry tonight! I have to go down to the God d***ed laundry room, put the f***ing detergent in the machine, put a whole damn DOLLAR into the machine, and sit there while the f***ing thing does nothing but GURGLE for a whole f***ing hour!" (Thank God there weren't any hall counselors around to hear this one...)

"I swear, if this asshole stays up past two A.M. ONE MORE NIGHT, I'm locking him out of the room."

"You know that sign in the Scholarshop about how proceeds from their sales go towards scholarship money? Well, since September, I've bought enough food at that place to give somebody a full ride."

"I don't care how funny she thinks that episode of Family Guy is--if I have to listen to it again, I'll strangle her! Hasn't she ever heard of HEADPHONES?"

"First the stupid washing machine ate my quarters. Then the dryer stopped working. Then the vending machine ate my dollar. And then when I went to my counselor, she said I was being irresponsible. And then I went downstairs to finish my laundry, but when the washer decided to pee on me, I spontaneously combusted."

"The Stone food makes me throw up. The only edible thing in that cafeteria is the Frosted Flakes."

Wow. Wow, wow, wow. This is...crazy. There's no other word for it.

Don't get me wrong, guys--I'm not pretending that I love the food in the cafeteria, or that my roommate and I are about to skip out and buy matching "Best Friend" necklaces, or that laundry isn't a pain in the neck whether you get the laundry service or just do it on your own. But really, people? We're at one of the best arts schools in the country--and definitely the most UNIQUE school in the country. It's a boarding arts high school, for Pete's sake! How often do you see THOSE? And I think if we're wasting so much time complaining about food, laundry, and roommates (as well as other annoying things like the weather, the library hours, and sign-in), we're sort of missing the point of being here.

Just ask yourself: Did you come here to be best friends with your suitemates, or did you come here to perfect your art form?

In the brochures, did the nice block letters spell out, "WE HAVE THE BEST LAUNDRY SERVICE IN THE COUNTRY!!!" or did they say, "We want to help you become an artist?"

When you walk into Stone Cafeteria, do you expect that there will be a three-course gourmet meal waiting at a linen-covered table for you, or do you KNOW that there is probably nothing there that you really want to eat?

I rest my case.

I'm guilty of this too. I don't always get along with my suitemates. I occassionally will skip dinner and go for an ice-cream sandwich at the Melody Freeze because the thought of eating whatever they're serving grosses me out. I've found myself scrambling on Tuesday morning and cursing because I forgot to get my laundry ready the night before. And if this ever happens to you--and I know it does--I sympathize.

But what you have to do is think to yourself, "Okay, this is inconvenient. But what about this afternoon, when I'll get to____?" (practice for the play, record audio for the film, make a new sculpture, write a poem, hear an amazing guest speaker?) THAT is why we're all here--to work on our art. And if we have to stomach some icky food, or put up with an annoying roommate, or fight the nightly laundry battle while we're at it...well, think of it this way: It'll make us stronger artists to do stuff we don't like doing.

Hey, nobody ever said this was going to be easy. ;)