The Hipster Under the Bed

So...here's that link I promised you:

MY NEW BLOG!!!!

That Just Wouldn't Be Our Style

You all knew this day was coming. You really did. Think about it. I always said it: "I'm not ready to let go of Interlochen...yet. I'm not ready to move on...yet." But here I am, nineteen and in college, writing a blog in which I reference Interlochen Arts Academy fifteen times a post. It's considered a success if I go for one post without mentioning my high school. And you know what? It just hit me today, while I was feeling what I thought to be righteous indignation over a certain friend's insistence that I talk about nothing but Interlochen, that...well...he is kind of right. (But don't let him know I said that, or I'll never hear the end of it.)

You see, everyone, I have this friend. Her name is Mishka. She calls me the Delightful Barnacle. I call her Pretty Damn Amazing, because she is. And one of the things I love about Mishka is that her personality is so distinctive that once you meet her, you know her. Permanently. You do not forget this woman. Trust me. And she has these things, these pop-culture-y things, that you always think of when you think of her--you think of The Brothers Karamazov, you think of Snatch, you think of Sylvia Plath and Lady Lazarus, you think of long dresses and Victorian lace-up boots and cloche hats and elegant cigarette holders. Things of that nature.

Now, if this friend is to be believed, I have my defining bits too...and one giant part of that is made up of Interlochen.

There are things I will never give up, of course. My "thing" will probably always be beatniks, for instance, and I'm okay with that. But I really do need to let go of Interlochen. Because hey, guess what? I am out of high school. Yes, I am. And I've been saying for months and months and months now that I KNOW I'm out of high school and I'm OVER high school and guess what? I wasn't. Not really.

I am now. I am ready to move on.

So, I think you all know where this is going...

It's time to say goodbye to Alien Water Torture.

BUT! It does NOT mean I'm not blogging anymore! Really, I am! Just not here. Because as much as I love this blog, it's another thing that is tying me to high school, and I need to let go of that. I need to stop mourning films like Possession and He's A Rockstar and their lack of success, because guess what? I am going to make more films. I AM making more films. I'm going to make HUNDREDS of films! I am going to make so many films I won't even freaking remember all of them! And I'm going to have a kick-ass time doing it!

But I am not going to keep clinging to Alien Water Torture. That is a film that will never be made, and you know what? I'm not sorry, because that just means that my two lovely imaginary friends (because really, that's all characters are, when you think about it) Gavin and Ronnie will remain pure, just the way I want them. I'll never have to share them or let studio executives make them over. They will always be mine, and I will always love them, and I will never resent what they've become. And this goes for Possession as well--I can accept that film now as part of my AWT universe. I don't mind the way it turned out. It's not going to the Academy any time soon...but it's mine, and I can be proud of it, and I don't resent it anymore.

So it's time for me to leave high school behind. Not all of it, of course--I'll still talk to the friends who haven't graduated yet, and I'll keep wearing my Interlochen sweatervest (much to the confusion of my college friends) and I'll occasionally look up my old pictures and sigh reminiscently. But I'm going to stop longing for the past, and I'm going to stop regretting both things I did and didn't do, and I am going to let go of those old grudges and crushes and silly little dreams that I know now are not meant to come true.

It's time to say good-bye to Alien Water Torture, and say hello to College Avery. She's a nice girl. I think you'll like her...once she figures out how to write a blog without referencing Interlochen 5,000 times in one post. She is still Beatnik Belle, but she has earned other nicknames too. She has been kissed. She has gone to Italy. She has seen eight thousand long-dead bodies prominently displayed on a cave wall and managed to get out of that cave without having a panic attack. She has had her films played on TV. She has gotten thousands of hits on her blogs and movies. She has joined a sorority and been in The Vagina Monologues and gone out after midnight and danced in a thunderstorm at two in the morning. She has met survivors of sexual assault, survivors of school shootings, survivors of hurricanes, people with autism, people with disabilities, gay strippers, Italian artists, British flight attendants, and all kinds of other people who she never thought she would meet. She's still not 100% sure she knows exactly who she is, but she's figuring it out.

I should have done this months ago. But it's okay, because I'm doing it now.

Good-bye, Alien Water Torture.

I'll let you know when my random, wild thoughts have a new home. (Translation: Yes, I will post the URL.)


One last time, for posterity...

STOLEN DIALOGUE

"I'm the best at trees...but I'm the best at slides, too!"

"The magic bathtub? I'm glad you asked!"

Person one: Think about it--who controls the churches?
Person two: Oh my gosh...for a minute there, I thought you asked, 'Who controls the bitches?'

"Why does everyone have cool shutters in this neighborhood? Is that like a requirement for living here?"

"It's just not very masculine to run around Target shouting about how you can't find the perfect pink tutu."

"Special needs turtles are my favorite turtles."

"Does he shout at the window, 'Release the funds!'"

Person one: You're like Diet Coke.
Person two: Are you insinuating that I'm full of aspartame?
Person one: Among other things.

"So when you have a hundred and three fever, you do really weird things...like dream about snuggling with Katy Perry whilst listening to the Friends theme song..."

"If anyone needs me to B.S. a conversation about Japanese tea ceremonies, just let me know. I'm totally down with that."

"I'm flying my Dork Flag today."

Person one: So, what do you think of gay penguins?
Person two: I LOVE GAY PENGUINS!

"I think I've gone over my daily limit when it comes to the word 'fuck.'"

"So on the one hand, there's you, and you won't sleep with anyone who isn't an animated Disney prince, and then there's him, and he has three basic settings: Walk, Talk, and Screw. And you're telling me you can't see any way that this could end badly?"

Person one: Hmm. Can you get chocolate? Chocolate is good. Especially dark chocolate.
Person two: No. I do not want chocolate. I want sex or vodka. It's that simple.

"CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHY I REMIND EVERYONE I MEET OF A WHINY EFFEMINATE SCOTTISH HOBBIT?"

"Update me on the boyfriend. I want a full personality profile, not just what you said so far. I need to know if he's worthy of your time, let alone your virtue...or what's left of it anyway."


And with that, we say a final adieu to Alien Water Torture.

It's been fun. :)

Ten Things Film Students Can Do On Friday Night (Besides Drinking)

Wow, it's been forever, hasn't it? A month, I think? Wow. I fail.

But I have an excuse, I promise you.

You see, my friend and I are making 100 videos in 100 days. Obviously, we are crazy for doing this. We don't care, though--we live for insanity. NORMAL IS BORING. So, my fellow film nerds, please feel free to look up the wackiness that is Alien Water Torture's Video-A-Day on my YouTube, and cheer us on in our looniness.

Meanwhile, here are ten things you (or anyone, really) can do on a weekend instead of getting toasted (or in addition to it, if that happens to be something you enjoy):

1) Grab your best friend, your roommate, your sorority sister, that weird kid who lives down the hall, your RA, or hell, even your history professor and MAKE A FLIPPING MOVIE ALREADY. Seriously, you think the Academy will just knock on your door? Make a movie, win a film festival, get into the Oscars, and then win and live in fame and glory for the remainder of your existence. Couldn't be simpler. ;)

2) Just take your camera and walk around campus. Yes, at night. Put on your night vision, or set your aperture as low (or high) as you need it--and then go wild. Take close-ups of things you never thought of before, like a gutter or a tree root or that weirdly-patterned dirt on your friend's windowpane. And then take wide shots. And then facepalm when you realize what a hipster you're being by wandering around taking photos at night.

3) Unleash your inner Art Nerd: grab a piece of paper and whatever medium is nearest to you (markers, crayons, paint--hell, use gel pens if you have to) and create the most perfect thing you've ever drawn. And then put it on your wall (of your dorm, not Facebook, though you can do that too if you like) so everyone can see your creative genius.

4) If you don't have access to a camera (or, like me, all your memory cards are full), play around with Photobooth, if you have a Mac, or YouCam, if you have a PC. Play with the effects. Mess around with your surroundings. Change hats. Put on goofy sunglasses. Then, either upload it to Facebook so everyone can see how epic you are, or make one of the pictures your profile pic--some of my favorite profile pics came from self-taken computer photos, including the one for my blog.

5) Going off #4, play dress-up. Scrounge around your room. Find something that you think could totally be a costume for a movie. Put it on, and be that character. Then, sit down and write a script or short story from the perspective of that character. (This is a fun way to come up with ideas, if you're stuck on plots or concepts for #1.)

6) IM, text, call, or visit someone. Yes, I know it's lame. But if you interact with a fellow human being even for just a few minutes, you can 1) get all kinds of epic film ideas, 2) potentially make someone's day with just a friendly "Hello," 3) get that lovely warm fuzzy "I just talked to my friend" feeling, or 4) get that warm fuzzy lovely "I just talked to the person I have a superepicmassive crush on" feeling (obviously, the shy need not attempt that last one).

7) Just sit down and WRITE, PEOPLE, WRITE. Don't know what to write? IT DOESN'T BLEEPING MATTER. Automatic writing (a.k.a., what you do when you just shut off your brain and let your pen--or keyboard--go) may turn out to be garbage, but it also could turn out to be the best thing you've ever written--I just know that the script I'm writing now came from an idea that I wrote in the midst of a fierce automatic writing session. Are you a better talker than writer? Turn on your camera, sit down in front of it, and say whatever comes to mind. You'd be surprised what kind of weirdness (or wonderfulness) goes on in your own brain.

8) Snuggle. Yes, that's right. Snuggle. With a pillow, a person, a stuffed animal, a pet (if you have one) or even a blanket (hey, it's totally possible for 18-year-olds to have favorite blankets, right? RIGHT?)--doesn't matter. Just snuggle with something. If you fall asleep, that's even better--you'll just wake up earlier and have even MORE weekend to be bored with! ;)

9) Have a one-person (or two-person, or THREE-person) dance party in your dorm room. Turn off the lights, turn up the music, and LET GO, baby, LET FREAKING GO. This is the time to listen and dance to that awkward hipster music, fun oldies stuff, and lovely middle-school flashbacks that they never play at your school dances.

10) Tried-and-true: Watch your favorite movie. Oh, sorry, is that too boring for you? Become a film critic! Write up an honest critique of your favorite movie. Think of it from every angle. Sure, that guy is cute, but is he REALLY a good actor? Yes, that line may make you shoot soda out your nose every time, but how does the rest of the script stand up? Would the sets make Kubrick green with envy, or do they look like something left over from your high-school scene shop? Leave no stone unturned. Be as brutal or complimentary as you like--after all, if you don't want anyone but you to see this review, they won't.

BONUS RANDOMOSITY IDEAS:
Go for a long walk (but don't get lost)
Write a letter to your favorite dead person or unattainable celebrity crush
Go online shopping for stuff you love but couldn't afford in a million years (like window-shopping, only done through a computer screen)
Re-write your favorite song as a school-spirit anthem
Belt out your favorite songs into a hairbrush (yes, even if you can't sing)
Make a vlog
Make a BLOG (hint, hint)
See how far you can hop on one foot
Experiment with makeup, face paint, or hair products (just go easy on the glitter, unless you want your room to look like it was ransacked by Edward Cullen)
Practice saying the alphabet backwards
Do the weirdest dances you've ever seen (the chicken dance, the macarena, the cupid shuffle--whatever you want--remember, no one has to know but you)
Practice your accents: do your best Harry Potter, Scarlett O'Hara, or Sopranos imitation--and, for bonus points, next time your phone rings, answer it in that accent
Put a color streak in your hair
Attempt to juggle (with non-breakable objects, preferably)
Mercilessly mock Twilight
Make a Sherlock Holmes meme
Walk around talking like Mr. Spock
Write yourself a letter of encouragement, funny stuff, and good ideas. Leave it in a safe place. Take it out and read it whenever you need a boost or a boredom-buster! :)


STOLEN DIALOGUE

"Driving in the Dominican Republic, you just close your eyes, hit the gas and hope for the best."

Person 1: Can I sit with you?
Person two: Sure. Pop a squat.
Person three: Please don't in this classroom!

"If Capps ever met my dad, he'd have his own chapter in this book."

"He's got a postcard-sized picture of what's going on, and he's trying to paint it on the Sistine Chapel."

"I'm dedicated to finishing my major, but I'm not praying to the English Gods or anything..."

"She always said, 'Ready? Lay down!' All she'd have to do is say 'Lie down!' for a day, and she'd be using proper English!"

Person one: Michael Bay is producing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Apparently they're aliens--he says the turtles are aliens.
Person two: No they're not, they're mutants, just listen to the damn name!
Person one: Yeah...I know, but according to Michael Bay...
Person two: There'll be a lot of exploding turtles in that movie.
Person one: Well, it's produced by Michael Bay, directed by Jonathan Leeman.
Person two: Yes...exploding turtles...there will be lots of shell fragments everywhere.

"I found myself asking myself, 'What the hell is he talking about?'"

To Blazes with the Code!

Interlochen February has sadly come to a bit of a halt, thanks to theater and video-a-day...but I had to post something because 1) I feel guilty for having to stop the Interlochen posts early, and 2) this was too much fun NOT to post.

You know you're watching a film made during the Hollywood Production Code era when...

...You hear "Gee!" in place of every interjection known to humankind.

...You can time the kisses: Every single one lasts less than three seconds.

...Any time a woman is shown with her boyfriend, the big question is whether or not she'll marry him.

...The most extreme expletive used is "darn."

...The aliens look suspiciously like humans.

...The most exciting special effect seen is a glowing spaceship.

...It's either in black and white or Technicolor.

...The ending is ALWAYS happy.

...The villain ALWAYS loses.

...There is no such thing as an anti-hero.

...You find yourself counting how many times you hear a seven-year-old kid say, "Gosh, Mr. [insert-last-name-here], what's that?"

..."Holy Christmas!" is allowed, but "God Almighty!" is not.

...If the lead actor isn't Cary Grant, he at least bears a striking resemblance.

...Seeing the men in anything other than suits or work uniforms is a shock. (Apparently, they didn't have t-shirts back in 1955.)

...If a woman is wearing pants, it's a major plot point.

...Double beds simply do not exist, even if the married couple has children. Pregnancy? What's that?

..."I've never been on a honeymoon before" is an acceptable euphemism for "I am a virgin."

...The government is always on the right side.

...The most upsetting thing that happens usually involves a kid not getting what he/she wants, or a woman finding out that the man she likes (translation: sees two or three times a week when she goes to the drugstore) is about to marry someone else.

...You know from the beginning that the conflict will be resolved in a pain-free way.

...The words "Directed by Alfred Hitchcock" are a Godsend. Why? Because he was the only person who knew how to effectively say "Screw you" to the Production Code.


If He's A Rockstar were made during the Production Code era...

...Emerson and Skye would not be alone in a hotel room together...especially not one with a double bed.

..."We'll stop fucking with you" would become "We'll stop messing with you."

..."Shit" becomes "Oh no!" (Or, worse, "Oh dear!"...a.k.a. the dumbest expression in the English language.)

...The kiss would have to be cut down to three seconds.

...Instead of Skye rambling about how he doesn't "hook up" and admitting to Emerson that the whole thing was a bet, the key point there would have to be, "We have to wait until we're married."

...Going off the last point, instead of giving Emerson his number after sleeping in the same room as her, Skye would get Emerson her own hotel room (like a gentleman--how sweet!) and then ask her to marry him the next morning.

...Something "bad" would have to happen to the evil, evil band members who go off and have "impure love" with the groupies.

...The "breast graze" would NOT be allowed.

...Emerson's costume would be seriously revised--she couldn't wear that tiny little tank top, especially not while she was alone with a man.

...All of Jack's "Oh my Gods" would have to be replaced with "Gosh!" or "Wow!" or, my personal favorite, "Gee!"

...The allusions to William being high, as well as the boys' casual drinking, would be heavily frowned-upon, if not cut out completely.

Okay, where am I going with all of this? My point: Yes, the MPAA is ridiculous. (Yes, I just said that.) But hey, guys? This production code of which I speak...yeah, it was a LOT worse.

Think about it.


STOLEN DIALOGUE

(Just a warning: Most of this was taken from my Gender & Religion class...and we are not exactly PC in there...so if you are sensitive to curse/anatomy slang, you may not want to read this...)

"Did you lose the monk?"

(teacher leading a class)
"Is anyone going to talk about the missionary position?"

"Oh my God, whose vagina did he come out of?"

"My name is Emily. I prefer not to be called Vagina-Bearer!"

"So, the four Noble Truths...well, there are four of them, and they're noble..."

"So he's going, 'Oh motherfuck and shit, blah blah blah,' and this guy's like, 'You're a religious studies teacher, why do you talk like that?' and the teacher goes, 'I talk that way because I teach religious studies!'"

"No one is born with a set of full male genitals and full female genitals, it just doesn't happen. That would bring a whole new meaning to the phrase 'Go screw yourself.'"

"People will grab a bit of scripture and run with it like a football."

"We've got four minutes to cover the most important part of Buddhism...oh well, whatever."

"Whenever someone uses 'pussy' as an insult it's like, my pussy can push a person out of it. What has your dick done today?"

Male: If a guy has sex with a lot of women it's okay, but if a girl sleeps with more than one guy she's called a slut.
Female: One of my friends just had sex with her boyfriend and now she's being called a slut.
Male: Well, that's weird...

"Every Halloween, in protest, I wear a girl's costume, and I'm hairy in all the wrong places, so it's not a pretty picture, but I do it!"

"Newt Gingrich creeps the hell out of me, I gotta be honest...I feel like he should be in a hollow tree making cookies or something."

Interlochen February, Day 19: You Gotta Fight For Your Right to FOOOONDUUUUEEEE

DAY 19
February 20
Prompt: "Your favorite Interlochen party."

Ooh, there were quite a few good ones...but I think my all-time favorite would have to be Lucie's eighteenth birthday party. This just proved to me that creative writing majors really know how to throw a party: it involved fondue, anatomically incorrect blow-up dolls, sparkling juice, an illegal boy in our room (he actually was a student; we just weren't supposed to have guys in the McWhorter rooms), and a hell of a lot of toasting, cheering, and laughing.

Here's what really makes a good party--or anything--at Interlochen: the people. Here was the majority's idea of a party: a dance in Fine Arts or some secret meeting in someone's room after hours. Now, those are all well and good, but that's sooo been done before. When you take ten or twelve people--especially people like Lucie, Ariel, Mishka, and Ahmed--and throw them in a room with an inflatable doll dressed in clothing stolen from the Share Box, well, how can you NOT have a good time? Take the school's classiest people, throw in chocolate and inappropriate lollipops, and you've got a recipe for success.

Sorry for tonight's ridiculously short post...I really don't have time for anything else though :(

Interlochen February, Day 18: A Brief Pause in the Celebrations...

DAY 18
February 19
Prompt: "It's OVER, you are NOT at Interlochen anymore!"

At this point in the blog series I'd like to take a moment to address something that I've been hearing a lot from certain non-Interlochen friends recently, and it's really been getting on my nerves. Three "somethings," actually.

SOMETHING #1: I KNOW I AM NOT AT INTERLOCHEN ANYMORE. Let's just get that cleared up right now. I'm not still "lost in high school," and while there are certainly things I regret and things I wish I could change, and things I wish I could have back, I don't want to "go backwards." I'm happy being at college, I love McDaniel despite all its flaws, just like I loved Interlochen despite all its flaws, and I love the friends I've made here. So, one more time, just so we're all clear: I know I am no longer in high school, and I am perfectly content where I am and have no desire to go back to high school.

SOMETHING #2: The whole point of Interlochen February is to celebrate my high school and the memories that I and a lot of others have of that high school. It is not me saying "Oh God I hate my college and want to go back to high school." This is my way of thanking my school and remembering my school. Also, I do still have friends at that school who have not yet graduated--this is my little shout-out to them as well, and my way of encouraging them to live for the good moments and live through the bad ones. It's my way of saying, "Guess what, guys? It doesn't last forever, so make it last--but know that even when you leave, Interlochen will stay with you...you don't have to stop loving Interlochen when you go to college."

SOMETHING #3: This is MY BLOG, guys...I'm sorry to get all MINEMINEMINE on you, but seriously...if you don't like what you're reading, no one is forcing you. No one is saying, "You MUST read Alien Water Torture or you will FAIL AT LIFE!" I know that not everyone who reads this blog went to Interlochen, and if you're bored reading about a school you didn't attend, then you don't have to read any more of my Interlochen February posts; you can come back in March when I'm done. I'm not trying to offend people, I'm not trying to be elitist about my high school, I'm not trying to "rub it in" if you didn't love your high school experience (and, as anyone who has read more than one or two posts of this blog will know, I didn't love everything about my HS experience and I don't know anyone who did). And I'm sorry if you're bored, or offended, or whatever reading about Interlochen, but no one is forcing you. So please, if you're one of the people who has been hounding me or saying "Write about something else!" (you know who you are), STOP. This is the last time I'm going to be nice about it.

(Also, I find it highly interesting that out of all the controversial topics I've written about, this is what people choose to confront me over. I'm just throwing that out there...)

The thing is, guys, Interlochen is the kind of place that sticks with you. So you can say, "Well, you're in college now, so forget about Interlochen," but you know what? It doesn't work like that. I know that going to college means leaving high school behind, but that doesn't mean I can't remember my high school, or enjoy the memories of my high school. As I said, I know that not everyone loves their high school experience, and there were definitely things that I hated at Interlochen...but if I had to go back and choose again, I would still choose to go there. Interlochen changed me, it helped me grow, it made me into who I am today. And that's something that I will never forget, even when I've left college and gone to the so-called "real world."

Interlochen February, Day 17: Just Keep Drilling 'Til You Hit Rock

DAY 17
February 18
Prompt: "The incredible pain in the ass that was the fire drills."

Submitted for your consideration:

FIRE DRILL SCENARIO #1: February/January-ish. (Can't remember, just know there was snow in the ground.) Junior year. Fire alarm goes off after I'm already in bed. I am wearing this tiny blue peasant-dress-style nightgown that comes barely to my knees, with open, loose sleeves and a very low-cut top, and only have time to shove my feet into crocs and wrap a throw around myself before I have to run out into the knee-deep snow. I almost freeze to death, whilst giving the guys on the first floor a good peep show.

FIRE DRILL SCENARIO #2: Early May, also junior year. Once again, the fire alarm goes off after I have changed into my pajamas. I am wearing fleece short-shorts and an Interlochen sweatshirt. Once again, I barely have time to get shoes and wind up wearing flip-flops. (I should explain that our dorm rooms were HOT, to the point where even in February we'd keep the windows open at night, hence my sleepwear, or lack thereof.) My friend notices me shivering and hands me a strip of paper napkin to "keep me warm"--this actually worked, because I was laughing too hard to feel cold.

FIRE DRILL SCENARIO #3: End of junior year, DeRoy cook-out. The outdoor grill stops working, so we go inside to finish cooking the food. Guess what happens? If you'd guess the fire alarm went off, you'd be right. To my knowledge, there was no fire, just a bit of smoke. But since it wasn't an official fire drill, the fire department actually showed up. We were the talk of the campus the next day--"What idiot over at DeRoy set the damn fire alarm off?" We're not supposed to tell what happened. We do anyway.

FIRE DRILL SCENARIO #4: Senior year, we're all supposed to line up in order of name, AND we are supposed to do this SILENTLY. However, we are unable to do this silently, because there was ALWAYS someone missing and so their roommates and friends are frantically whispering, "Where's Liz? Where's Gabby? WHERE THE HELL IS CARINA?" because if ANYONE was missing who wasn't already known to be off-campus, we weren't allowed to go back inside, so we'd all stand there shivering, feeling resentful of whoever was late or missing, until they showed up and we were allowed back inside.