Interlochen February has sadly come to a bit of a halt, thanks to theater and video-a-day...but I had to post something because 1) I feel guilty for having to stop the Interlochen posts early, and 2) this was too much fun NOT to post.
You know you're watching a film made during the Hollywood Production Code era when...
...You hear "Gee!" in place of every interjection known to humankind.
...You can time the kisses: Every single one lasts less than three seconds.
...Any time a woman is shown with her boyfriend, the big question is whether or not she'll marry him.
...The most extreme expletive used is "darn."
...The aliens look suspiciously like humans.
...The most exciting special effect seen is a glowing spaceship.
...It's either in black and white or Technicolor.
...The ending is ALWAYS happy.
...The villain ALWAYS loses.
...There is no such thing as an anti-hero.
...You find yourself counting how many times you hear a seven-year-old kid say, "Gosh, Mr. [insert-last-name-here], what's that?"
..."Holy Christmas!" is allowed, but "God Almighty!" is not.
...If the lead actor isn't Cary Grant, he at least bears a striking resemblance.
...Seeing the men in anything other than suits or work uniforms is a shock. (Apparently, they didn't have t-shirts back in 1955.)
...If a woman is wearing pants, it's a major plot point.
...Double beds simply do not exist, even if the married couple has children. Pregnancy? What's that?
..."I've never been on a honeymoon before" is an acceptable euphemism for "I am a virgin."
...The government is always on the right side.
...The most upsetting thing that happens usually involves a kid not getting what he/she wants, or a woman finding out that the man she likes (translation: sees two or three times a week when she goes to the drugstore) is about to marry someone else.
...You know from the beginning that the conflict will be resolved in a pain-free way.
...The words "Directed by Alfred Hitchcock" are a Godsend. Why? Because he was the only person who knew how to effectively say "Screw you" to the Production Code.
If He's A Rockstar were made during the Production Code era...
...Emerson and Skye would not be alone in a hotel room together...especially not one with a double bed.
..."We'll stop fucking with you" would become "We'll stop messing with you."
..."Shit" becomes "Oh no!" (Or, worse, "Oh dear!"...a.k.a. the dumbest expression in the English language.)
...The kiss would have to be cut down to three seconds.
...Instead of Skye rambling about how he doesn't "hook up" and admitting to Emerson that the whole thing was a bet, the key point there would have to be, "We have to wait until we're married."
...Going off the last point, instead of giving Emerson his number after sleeping in the same room as her, Skye would get Emerson her own hotel room (like a gentleman--how sweet!) and then ask her to marry him the next morning.
...Something "bad" would have to happen to the evil, evil band members who go off and have "impure love" with the groupies.
...The "breast graze" would NOT be allowed.
...Emerson's costume would be seriously revised--she couldn't wear that tiny little tank top, especially not while she was alone with a man.
...All of Jack's "Oh my Gods" would have to be replaced with "Gosh!" or "Wow!" or, my personal favorite, "Gee!"
...The allusions to William being high, as well as the boys' casual drinking, would be heavily frowned-upon, if not cut out completely.
Okay, where am I going with all of this? My point: Yes, the MPAA is ridiculous. (Yes, I just said that.) But hey, guys? This production code of which I speak...yeah, it was a LOT worse.
Think about it.
STOLEN DIALOGUE
(Just a warning: Most of this was taken from my Gender & Religion class...and we are not exactly PC in there...so if you are sensitive to curse/anatomy slang, you may not want to read this...)
"Did you lose the monk?"
(teacher leading a class)
"Is anyone going to talk about the missionary position?"
"Oh my God, whose vagina did he come out of?"
"My name is Emily. I prefer not to be called Vagina-Bearer!"
"So, the four Noble Truths...well, there are four of them, and they're noble..."
"So he's going, 'Oh motherfuck and shit, blah blah blah,' and this guy's like, 'You're a religious studies teacher, why do you talk like that?' and the teacher goes, 'I talk that way because I teach religious studies!'"
"No one is born with a set of full male genitals and full female genitals, it just doesn't happen. That would bring a whole new meaning to the phrase 'Go screw yourself.'"
"People will grab a bit of scripture and run with it like a football."
"We've got four minutes to cover the most important part of Buddhism...oh well, whatever."
"Whenever someone uses 'pussy' as an insult it's like, my pussy can push a person out of it. What has your dick done today?"
Male: If a guy has sex with a lot of women it's okay, but if a girl sleeps with more than one guy she's called a slut.
Female: One of my friends just had sex with her boyfriend and now she's being called a slut.
Male: Well, that's weird...
"Every Halloween, in protest, I wear a girl's costume, and I'm hairy in all the wrong places, so it's not a pretty picture, but I do it!"
"Newt Gingrich creeps the hell out of me, I gotta be honest...I feel like he should be in a hollow tree making cookies or something."
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