THIS IS IT

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

So guess what? This has been a freaking kick-ass year and I can't wait for the next year to begin. Right now I'm watching Inception with my parents, just hanging out and having fun. I've almost got my college apps done, I've almost got my thesis ready to shoot, I've almost got my fairy tales project ready to present, and I have no clue what's going to go down once I get back to school, but I hope it's going to be as awesome as these past few months have been. Senior year is, so far, kicking the crap out of junior year in terms of epicness. I love my friends, I love my family, and I would not be where I am without them. This has been an amazing year and I am so looking forward to the coming year...

Just another year of friends, family, fun, love, life, and Alien Water Torture.

I will stop regretting the thesis crisis of last year. That's in the past. Time for me to forgive my thesis advisor, my workshop, and myself. I WILL make Alien Water Torture someday, just how I wanted to make it. But I won't do it until I can do it without a judge, jury, and executioner waiting to tell me all the reasons it won't work. It won't be a school project. It's going to be my own thing, with a couple of friends (and aliens, but I'll worry about that later).

I will stop worrying about what people think of me. It's just my insecurity about how I look, how I sound when I talk, how allegedly annoying I am when I do my little cough-laugh (hey, guys, not my fault I caught whooping cough). I am who I am, and if people don't like that or understand that, it doesn't give me the right to resent them.

I will stop hating people I don't understand. It's not YOUR fault you drive me crazy, after all. I will stop telling my parents how freaking irritating it is to have to spend every day with you, I will stop whining about how you have everything you want, I will stop acting like a martyr where you are concerned. I have to deal with you, I might as well at least try to like you.

I will try--really try--to grow a thicker skin. In my chosen business I can't let people hurt me as easily as they do now. It's down to me, not them. And you know what, I am a hell of a lot tougher than anyone--including me--thinks I really am. It's time I started showing it.

I will not let you--and you know who you are--bring me down with you. I don't need someone telling me I can't do anything--I already have enough of that. I don't need a friend who won't support me.

I will live up to what my parents and friends expect of me. More importantly, I will live up to what I expect of myself.

2010 was a good year.

2011 is going to be even better.

First STOLEN DIALOGUE of 2011!

Person one: Will you go on a date with me?

Person two: Oh, fine.

Person one: As brother and sister?

Person three: Right, 'cause that's not creepy at all...

Person one: As his roommate, how do you not just laugh your ass off all the time?

Person two: As his roommate, how do you not KILL HIM?

Person three: Well...I guess those two desires just cancel each other out...

"All of a sudden, my computer is a walking billboard."

Person one: How did you get a six-ten brother?

Person two: She went to Target.

Person one: Why would I put male genitalia in our microwave?

Person two: Well, I can think of a few people who deserve their genitalia to be in a microwave, but...

"As tempting as it sounds to lose my virginity in the bathroom at Tim Horton's...no. I don't think so."

"Last year he was all right, but this year it's like dealing with the clerk at Jackasses 'R' Us."

Person one: I really am such a coffee whore.

Person two: Do you sleep with coffee for money?

The Official Depressing Blog Post of 2010

So I watched Disney's A Christmas Carol in 3-D tonight and, guess what, cried through about 1/3 of it.

Isn't this a great way to start out a blog post?

Yeah. It should go without saying that the main reason I was tearing up was not because Tiny Tim "died" in the future storyline (spoiler alert...HE LIVES), but because instead of the film cast, I was imagining the Interlochen musical cast, complete with my senior buddies. And then I realized, you know what, I haven't actually talked to these people in forever...for a reason.

You see, when I reach out to Inty graduates of last year, nine times out of ten they either don't respond, they're "too busy" or they sign off just as I IM to say hi. And, hey, I love you guys, but...that really kind of ticks me off.

Last summer when I got home--literally hours after watching my friends graduate--I sat down on the couch and started crying. Not the second I got home, of course...this was after struggling to get every bit of luggage in the house, then engaging in a nowhere battle with my computer and iPod, and burning dinner TWICE...and then, before that, I'd been in a car for four hours...in a confined space...with my parents and a ton of boxes...

Really, is it any wonder that I started crying at ten PM that night?

Here's the thing, though--when I started crying, my parents' response was to reach out, try to comfort me, tell me it was okay. That's just it though--it WASN'T okay. Because I wasn't crying over a stressful day. I was crying because I knew there was a tiny chance (if any) that I would ever see those seniors again. And for the first time I didn't want a hug from my dad. (Sorry, Dad.) I wanted a hug from Zac, or Andrew, or Jesse, or Seneca. I wanted one of THEM to tell me it would be okay.

But it's not okay, because I never talk to 90% of the people I was crying for that night.

How in the hell does this happen? You have friends. You love these friends. You'd do anything for these friends. You take risks on these friends. And then when you're separated from them, they seem to take that as, "Ok, it was fun while it lasted, but feel free to just evaporate from my life now, nice knowing ya!"

NO.

NOT FAIR.

I don't care how petulant I sound right now. I WANT MY FRIENDS BACK.

I want to scream at some of these people, "HEY! Who was the only person who gave you a lead role in a thesis film last year? Who took a major risk on you? Who came to every one of your shows and waited for half an hour afterwards to tell you 'Good job' even when you were just an extra? And yet who do you ignore every time they try to facebook chat with you?" Or, "Okay, so you get me through the school year, you hug me whenever you see me, you make life in my major livable...and...uh...where are you?" Or, my personal favorite, "Whatever happened to 'I won't forget about you?'"

I should be used to this. I really should. After all, this happened to me once already, except it was a would-be boyfriend instead of a would-be friend, and it was in summer camp, not school. I lost a lot of friends switching schools, simply because they just faded into the background. And now here I am, with people I THINK will be my friends for a long time...but I'm scared, I really am scared, that once we get our diplomas it will, once again, be "Nice knowing you, see you in the afterlife!" and then I'll have to watch them walk away from me.

Considering all that, it's a damn miracle that it took A Christmas Carol to make me cry about this.

No stolen dialogue, because I really don't feel like being funny tonight.

You Say Yes, I Say No, You Say Stop, I Say...SNOW!

...And a whole lot of snow, at that. Interlochen looks like a freshly-frosted wedding cake. I love it, I really do...it's romantic, and pretty...and really freakin' hard to walk through.

What? It's true.

So I recently noticed that I haven't done one of those posts where I just ramble for awhile, about nothing in particular, just an update on how things are going at Inty. Themed posts are well and good, but I LOVE writing Ramble!Posts, so tonight, lovely readers, that is what you're getting.

To start off: THE SNOW. I'm crazy for snow, I really am. I loveloveLOVE snow, so to wake up to a world covered in white fluff is like an early Christmas for me. EVERY DAY, because at Interlochen (see my posts from last February if you need a reminder about this), snow is UNAVOIDABLE. Either you love it, or you hate it. I happen to absolutely adore it, so I do redonkulous things like jump into piles of snow the way some people jump into leaves, throw snowballs at people whether I know them or not (yes, I HAVE done this, don't judge!) and, like any other snow-lover, eat handfuls of the stuff when I think no one's looking.
I guess you'd have to be a hardcore romantic to truly understand why I love the snow so much. To me, snow is not just that fluffy white cold stuff that you have to wade through every day from December to March. It's the symbol of a beautiful season. To me, snow is walking through a Christmas tree farm with my dad, baking sugar cookies with my mom, watching It's A Wonderful Life and How the Grinch Stole Christmas on Christmas Eve, sitting in front of a much-appreciated woodstove wearing fluffy socks, snuggling up on the couch with a good book, hearing "Santa Clause Wants Some Lovin'" for the fifty billionth time, having a massive snowball fight in my front yard, shoveling the driveway and laughing at my dad's inability to get that damn ice off the pavement, singing along to holiday songs (off-key, of course), driving around at night and seeing entire neighborhoods lit up with multicolored lights, digging out all those old Christmas decorations from the basement...I could go on forever, but you get the idea. For me, snow means so much more than "Ugh, it's cold and wet outside." It reminds me of my family and of a time when I really feel happy...and yes, I am fully aware of how cheesy I sound right now...

Recently I watched Eclipse in the Writing House (again, please don't judge). I left before the movie ended, first of all because I knew perfectly well how it ended and second of all because I wanted to walk home alone. I love walking alone in the snow. Don't get me wrong, I love walking in the snow with my friends, but this was one time when I really just wanted to be alone. After watching Eclipse I was in a really sappy mood, so I was thinking about my boyfriend (who lives in Oxford while I'm up at Interlochen...fml) and trying (and sometimes succeeding) to catch snowflakes on my tongue when I slipped in the middle of the street, flailed a bit, and then landed flat on my back...just as a fairly cute boy, who once complimented me by calling me a dead chick, was coming out of a nearby building. Of course he came out just in time to see me pull a Charlie Chaplin.

In the words of my good friend Gavin: "Well, shit...that was graceful." (You have to imagine this being said in a very sarcastic tone or the point is lost.)

Forget it; I started laughing like a total idiot and couldn't get to my feet because I was so busy cracking up over my own klutziness. I'm sure Mr. "Dead Chick" thought I was losing brain cells by the minute, but at that point I didn't care. I just slipped and scrambled around until I managed to stand back up, brushed the snow off my jeans and went on my merry way, still giggling like a teenage Twilight fan (go ahead, make jokes about me saying this after seeing Eclipse, you know you want to).

So this being Interlochen, my evening of pratfalls was far from over: On the way back to my dorm I was hit with no less than SIX snowballs. Count them - SIX. Four of them from friends, one from a sort-of enemy, and one, amusingly enough, actually came from Mr. "Dead Chick," who wasn't actually aiming for me (or so he says), but guess what happened when he hit me with it? That's right, I fell down. Into a pile of snow. And of course I loved it, because I love falling into snow, but he came over and tried to apologize, when HE was hit with a snowball and HE fell over too...And then I got up, tried to pull him up, fell into the snow AGAIN and took him down with me.

Would anyone be shocked if I said the string of falls and snowballs was more fun for me than seeing the actual movie?

You may laugh. You may poke me. (And, if you're my roommate, you may do both at the same time.) But you may not say, ever, that it is a bad thing to be a Snow Geek.

Sledding, anyone?



Okay. So recently I got asked the question, "Why in the f#$% do you like so many violent movies?!" and it made me stop to think...

I'd like to point out here that if you look at the movies I cite as my favorites (Shopgirl; Lords of Dogtown, Dakota Skye, Donnie Darko), you will see that my favorite movies are not really that violent. It is true, however, that there are some "violent" (in quotes because my definition of violence seems different from others') movies that, despite their dark subject matter, I just couldn't help but love.

Just let me clarify: My idea of a "violent" movie is not one where there are brief scattered fight scenes throughout, or one massive fight scene at the end/in the middle. Nor is it when there are fights, but the rest of the movie is as happy and perky as an episode of The Donna Reed Show. I don't really consider fantasy movies in this equation as much either; if you notice, as a culture we sort of accept that those types of films (i.e. Pirates of the Caribbean; the Narnia movies) to be violent. It's not always an exponential equation; the amount of fight scenes in the film does not indicate the violence factor. (If you don't believe me, watch Shanghai Knights and try to see it as anything other than a comedy.)

What I'm talking about when I say "violent movie" is the kind of movie where you go into the movie with the mentality of, "This film is going to kick my ass." I'm talking Requiem For A Dream, Saving Private Ryan, Mysterious Skin, The Dark Knight, Elephant - movies that keep you awake at night, movies that make you ask the question "What if that happened to me?" and cringe thinking of the answer.

What happens is that I will go into a movie thinking, "God, this is going to scare the crap out of me," and come out saying, "Holy fish sticks, that movie was AMAZING." Sleepy Hollow is actually the film that made me want to become a director, I saw that when I was twelve years old and discovered that not all movies needed happy endings (big surprise, right?). Not only that, but it's absolutely beautiful, from the cinematography to the editing and color-correction, and the casting is so genius it's unbelievable. (For those of you who haven't seenSleepy Hollow, allow me to plant this image in your mind: Richard Griffiths (Uncle Vernon in Harry Potter) as a magistrate. If that's not enough to get your attention, I don't know what is.)

In addition I'm starting to find myself more drawn to movies WITHOUT those cliche happy endings (and if anyone has seen Requiem For A Dream, you will know EXACTLY what I'm talking about), so finding "edgier" movies has become a bit of a mission for me. My still-to-see list is currently topped by Black Swan - I swear, the SECOND that hits theaters I WILL BE THERE.

But, honestly, I don't like "violent" movies so much as I like movies that make me THINK. This would be the reason why I loved Donnie Darko, because it made me THINK (admittedly, it often made me think, 'What the f#$% is going on,' but still, it WAS thought-provoking). If a movie is well-done, I will watch it and enjoy it. However, I refuse under any circumstances to watch slasher movies (Sleepy Hollow does NOT count as a slasher movie!), and I hatehateHATE most horror movies.

Example: In October I saw a film called - don't make the same mistake I did and judge it by its title - Killer Klowns from Outer Space. Sounds like a fun, wacky little b-movie delight, doesn't it? Sounds like something Ed Wood would make and delusively think that it was scary, right? Sounds like a "horror" film straight out of the fifties, yeah? Well, think again. It was freaking TERRIFYING.

Since this movie was for all intents and purposes pathetic, I feel no guilt about spoiling it. Basically, a small town is ravaged by - what else? - clown-like aliens from outer space. They travel in a big top-shaped spaceship, encase their victims in cotton candy, shoot at the townspeople with popcorn ammo, and use puppet shows and whimsy to lure in their prey. Doesn't this all sound like a cute, nostalgic Ed Wood parody? News flash: It's not. The "klowns" (why kan't they spell the damn words korrektly?) are terrifying. I'd post a picture of one, but I'd have nightmares every time I read my own blog.

Keep in mind that I have been creeped out by clowns since I was little. I refused to go to carnivals as a kid because I was so afraid I'd run into one. I had a similar issue with full-costumed characters (as in, the ones you see at Disneyland). So put them together - full-costumed actors in creepy clown guise - and that equals undiluted nightmare. I should have taken the hint and gotten the hell out of there when I saw the first "klown". But I didn't. I thought, "Well, of course they have to make them LOOK creepy, but I bet these monsters will turn out to be bumbling idiots."

Here's where I made my crucial mistake: I thought that something with such a ridiculous title as "Killer Klowns from Outer Space" would be a whimsical b-movie from the fifties. Instead I got a campy piece of terror from the eighties. The first part of the movie SCREAMED 1980s culture; I half-expected MJ to pop out and sing "Thriller." (In fact, I would've welcomed it.) And once I got over the surprise of it being three decades later than I expected, I thought it was going to be a classically goofy 80s teen film. So I watched it.

Did I mention "big freakin' mistake?"

You know how in most 50s sci-fi films, no one really dies? People get kidnapped, body-snatched, possessed, enslaved, in rare cases tortured - but everyone's all right in the end. Well, that's what I initially thought was going on here. I just laughed at the cotton candy guns. "Ha ha, alien clowns kidnapping people with cotton candy - that's genius!" But when the people in the movie are hit with the cotton candy guns, they're actually DYING. I didn't get that until we actually saw a "klown" EAT SOMEONE who had been encased in the "cotton candy" by sucking out their bodily fluids with a crazy straw. At which point I thought, "Screw it, I've had enough."

BUT I DIDN'T LEAVE!!! Being me, I HAD to know how it ended. Well, guess what? It doesn't have a happy ending. In a 50s sci-fi film, or anything from the Hays Production Code era, the people encased in cotton candy would've been released when the alien ship was destroyed. Spoiler alert: THEY WEREN'T SAVED IN THIS MOVIE. In fact, the ending alludes to the fact that even though the ship and theoretically the aliens inside it have been destroyed, the aliens are still...alive? ?!?!?! Beat me gently with a chainsaw, as Mishka would say.

Now to prove that I'm not a complete baby ("OMG she's scared of CLOWN ALIENS? REALLY?! God, what a wimp!"), I'll tell you about a movie I saw later that night: Let the Right One Inby Tomas Alfredson.

Two words: Freaking. Beautiful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICp4g9p_rgo <--Trailer

Initially I was unsure about seeing this movie. Having been told, "It's a horror movie, it'll scare you, but you really should watch this!" I went in there expecting Sleepy Hollow, a.k.a. a blood-fest complete with dismemberment, scary vampire-eyes, and (knowing ahead of time about the acid disfigurement) a Harvey Two-Face lookalike killing people to feed his pet vampire. After seeing a worse horror film (Killer Klowns, in case no one got the memo) earlier in the day, my expectations were low. To begin with, I only went at the urging of one of the hall counselors from my dorm, and because I didn't want to be alone in my room after having the s-words scared out of me by the Killer Klowns.

So imagine my surprise when, halfway into the movie, I realized, "Oh my God, I have to show this to my parents next time we see each other." My parents and I are constantly trading movie recommendations, watching movies and new TV shows together, and discussing movies, TV, and other media whenever we have the opportunity. Our mutual favorite is independent cinema, as evidenced by earlier blog posts in which I discussed the tons of epic indie films I've seen with my parents.

Well, this film reminded me of the movies I watch with my parents. It wasn't funny likeInterstate 60 or wacky like Finding Blyss. It was more like Killer Diller - sweet, sad, at times unrealistic (hell, it was a freakin' vampire movie, come on!), full of stuff that will make people go nuts and scream, "PEDOPHILIA! CHILD PORN! SEX! POLITICAL INCORRECTNESS! NOOOOO!" (well, okay, that wasn't in Killer Diller, there was other, extremely minor controversy there, but you get the idea), but if a person actually pays attention it's really very easy to see that this movie is anything but sexually charged.

Aesthetically, Let the Right One In is amazing: The casting is flawless, the lighting and sets are beautiful, the cinematography is stunning, the story brought tears to my eyes, and the direction...well, forget it, if I can coax half as amazing a performance out of an actor once in my career as a director, I'll consider myself successful. I had no idea who any of the people in the movie or on the crew were before I saw this, but I sure as hell know them now. I've made it a personal goal to see everything that Tomas Alfredson has ever made, and I've added Lina Leandersson to my list of actors and actresses that I'm dying to work with.

I can't describe this movie. You just have to freaking see it. I'm not even going to gush about my favorite scenes; I don't want to spoil anything. All I can say is, I will never, ever see the American version of this film. They've just released one, and I've been told that it's great, but I'm never going to watch it. I don't care if they remade it shot-for-shot and just used American actors and locations, it can't even come close to being as amazing as the original film.

So...watch it. Just do it. You won't regret it, I promise. Even if you're the type of person who cringed at the death scenes in Sweeney Todd, this movie won't scare you. You see blood. There are implications. You see a vamp victim hanging upside down from a tree. But there is no way that this can terrify anyone. More likely it will make you cry.

Here's what all of this comes down to: Never, EVER make the mistake of judging the tone of a movie based on a title or a recommendation. What's terrifying to one person might be downright amusing to another; for instance, most of my fellow moviegoers found the big-top spaceship and biting popcorn hilarious; I found it disturbing. Alternately, this works for good movies, like Let the Right One In - I went in there bracing myself for "horror" and instead saw what I am now asserting is the best film I've ever seen. The point is, don't think you know what a movie's about before you've seen it. Yes, even if you've read the Wikipedia summary - I did that while trying to decide if I wanted to see Let the Right One In, and it didn't even remotely prepare me for the actual movie. I do wish, however, that I had read the Killer Klown summary beforehand - I might've spared myself endless misery.

STOLEN DIALOGUE

"Stop the violence...that does NOT mean 'Make out in my lobby!'"

Person one: I'll never get any work done if I hang out over here with you and...the Creature in the Yellow Lanyard.

Person two: Couldn't have said it better.

Person one: You know what, we should take this [director's chair] on our sets.

Person two: So we can look as pretentious as possible?

"My major is full of dipsticks and looney tunes."

"I can't think straight knowing that someone actually got laid in the edit suites!"

"I don't mean to insinuate anything, but you kind of suck."

Person one: This is going to be amazing. It's going to be epic dipped in awesomesauce.

Person two: Uh...yes, that!

"If I have to get involved, heads will roll...and I don't mean yours."

"Wait...I think that emoticon means I'm kicking my own ass..."

Person one: Remember when I whacked him last year?

Person two: Ha ha, that was hardly "whacking" him, darling.

Person one: Well what would you call it, Miss Thesaurus?

Person two: Hmm...maybe "patting angrily with no great effect?"

[In physics class, we are given the following question:

Humans are:

a) walking batteries

b) walking capacitors

c) walking currents

d) all of the above

e) none of the above]

Student: I said "none of the above" because all of those things are sold at Radio Shack and humans are not sold at Radio Shack, humans are mammals."

Blogging my first Indie Short

Who here has read my scripts and wondered, Does that girl know how to write about anything but herself? Falling for an unavailable boy (Possession), trying to stick it out in a changing boarding arts school (Schematic), living out a rock-band fan fantasy (He's A Rockstar), dating a close friend (the famed Alien Water Torture) -- even in intro to screenwriting last year, my exercises always reflected things that had happened to me or my friends (roommate troubles, awkward video/media assignments, gay rights PSAs). So I think people have this idea that I HAVE to draw from my own life or my script just won't work.

Well, they are WRONG.

Here's a situation I have definitely never been in: I have never fallen in love, gotten my love interest pregnant, and then watched her die in a car accident...and then slowly gone insane and wound up in a mental hospital afterward.
I didn't think I'd be able to write anything like this. I got the idea in Intro to Fiction class last year, when we read a story called "Until Gwen" by Dennis Lehane. (I'd post a link if I could, but I can't find it anywhere online--it's in a collection of his called Coronado.) This story made me cry hysterically, not just like those teary-eyed "ending of a sad movie" moments, but really cry, the way you cry when one of your friends ends up in the hospital or your parents tell you you're moving to the suburbs.

"Until Gwen" is about a young man, fresh out of jail for stealing a diamond, with an iffy memory because he was shot twice during the robbery. He remembers the teenage Gwen, who he was in love with because she loved him for him, she made him feel like he was worth something. However, he discovers that Gwen is dead...and something else.

You can't even begin to imagine how deeply this story affected me. I could not get this out of my head. I could not stop thinking about it. We read quite a few creepy stories that semester--"Where are you going, where have you been?" by Joyce Carol Oates being #1 on the Creepy Scale--but "Until Gwen" stuck in my head for a long time. I cried at night thinking about how awful it would be, to wind up in a situation like the protagonist of that story. Awful isn't even the word for it. I have one hell of an imagination, I'll admit it--but I cannot imagine being in that situation, and I hope I never have to find out what it's really like.

I wrote the first draft of my screenplay What's Left of You during a FOC Film Festival event, stuck in the back of the room beside a sweaty cameraman and a few ushers who were clearly worn out from the four days of festivities. I scribbled down the treatment in my journal, each character walking into my mind fully formed, as if they already existed in reality: Hayden, a sensitive, abused teenage boy stuck in a small town with a terrible father, in love-at-first-sight with Mallory "Mal" Fisk, a pretty but unnoticed aspiring dancer. In this first draft, Hayden meets Mal while trying to steal money at a concert, because once again his father has squandered his paycheck on anything but feeding his only child. Instead Mal and Hayden run off together, only to be caught by Hayden's father, who forces Hayden to watch as he assaults and eventually kills Mal, not realizing that she is pregnant.

In the words of the poor unfortunate guinea pig of this treatment: "Holy crap...who are you and what have you done with Beatnik Belle?"

Three problems with this idea: 1) It was too obviously based on "Until Gwen." 2) Hayden was far too much like Gavin, from Alien Water Torture (sensitive, troubled, etc). 3) It was so dark I knew I would never be able to realistically write it.

Over the summer, What's Left of You evolved from that into a story that was almost entirely my own. Hayden changed from a carbon copy of Gavin into a smooth-talking Prince Charming that any girl could fall in love with; Mal evolved from an insecure dancer into a smart, sassy girl with a wild side that a boy like Hayden obviously couldn't help but fall in love with (and, with any luck, so will my audience). The plot changed from a crime story into a love story, focusing on the dynamic between Hayden and Mal, excluding nearly all other characters.
I also provided Hayden with an older brother (this is literally the only thing that he still has in common with Gavin), Riley, who provides a safe haven for Hayden and Mal when they discover Mal is pregnant, but she can't tell her parents. Riley does convince them to go back, and encourages Hayden to stand up to Mal's strict parents...but they never get the chance, as Mal is killed in a freak car accident as they go back. Riley attempts to comfort Hayden but is unsuccessful and can only watch helplessly as Hayden breaks down in front of him.

And cue Mental Hospital! Enter Isabelle, eighteen years old with an unknown past. We don't know what she's in for. For all you know, she could be an imaginary friend, Hayden's way of clinging to someone who he knew cared for him. Who knows? (I know whether she's real or not...but I won't tell!) Isabelle, the physical embodiment of Hayden's feelings concerning Mal's death, serves as a foil character to upbeat, innocent Mal. (Fun fact: In the original treatment, Isabelle was a hooker...I just thought someone might find that interesting.)

So this past Sunday I had the first opportunity to start shooting, with the lovely Liz V. (my roomie!) and epic Alex D. (co-star of Possession), and a crew of three, Nicole A. (makeup/lighting/camera), Isaac R. (assistant directing/lighting/continuity) and Matthew A. (assistant directing/production stills). This would be my first time truly out on my own, unless you count the f#$%-ed up footage I attempted to shoot for the alternate ending to Possession (long story short: you cannot shoot the ending of a love story in twenty minutes. Can't be done).

From the start I was nervous, and having a deciding committee (a.k.a., my friends) commenting on everything I did was not helping. Makeup alone took an hour, as Liz had to go from an innocuous-looking pretty girl to a crazed ghostly-looking creeper, and Alex had to turn into a love-starved depression victim...and let me tell you, it was worth it to see it on camera. Major props to Nicole, who transformed Liz on her own, and Alex, who patiently endured me basically dumping the entire contents of my makeup bag on him and then going, "Oops, we have to start over, this bruise is too yellow."

And, hey, if anyone wants to give me props for the (realistic-looking, I thought) scars...well...I wouldn't complain.

The shoot flew by after the makeup. It was Liz's first time on a set but you'd never have known that, from the way she held her own against almost-pro-he's-just-that-damn-good Alex (I have EVERY REASON to think that this kid is a f#$%ing good actor, pardon my French). With minimal coaching, Liz pulled off her scenes and made me wonder, even just looking through the lens, if she was real of if we all just imagined her because we couldn't stand to see Alex lying there alone. As ethereal Isabelle, Liz's job was to be both concerned and concerning--and by the powers that be, SHE DID IT.

Alex kicked ass. There's really no other way to put it. Again, it took minimal coaching on my part, just the occasional stage direction or "I can't hear you over the vent, say that line louder." Between takes we would laugh like mentally challenged hyenas (this mainly due to Alex and Liz's shenanigans...more on that later), but once the camera was on--BAM. You'd never know that the spaced-out given-up-on-life doormat was shouting and laughing and rolling on the ground just moments before. Don't ask me how he did this. God knows if I'm going to act (which I rarely do, because I'm rather crappy at it), if nothing else I need to pull myself together beforehand or I'm going to overact like crazy.

We had an amazing moment on set when everything just fell into place--I think this was when Alex did a scene involving a prop that we had originally intended to be just that--a prop. A set piece. Just a little thing to keep the film more grounded, since it's going to be very "out of order" and experimental. Well, what Alex did with this prop made it into a much bigger part of the movie. And it was pretty much HIS IDEA. In the end I called out unneeded stage directions while he completely turned into this character, Hayden, and later on when I watched the footage I literally started tearing up. When you see this, you will too.

As for my crew--well, I've already given props to Nicole's BAMF makeup. Also her suggestion to follow Liz down the stairs for her big entrance--I wouldn't have thought of that. AND her lifesaving use of the sun lamp. Okay, Nicole deserves a shit-ton of credits for this movie, because really, she made the set roll a lot smoother than it would've if it had just been me, Isaac, and Matthew running the show.

Isaac, 1st assistant director/continuity, literally kept me sane. Not joking. Whenever my actors' hijinks (namely their fake "romantic scenes" and turning EVERYTHING into innuendo) got on my nerves, he was there to calm me down. Whenever I was at a loss for what to do with the camera, he was there with a suggestion. Whenever I got fed up with my 2nd assistant director, Isaac kept me from losing my temper. If I needed to ask for advice on the character makeup, on a camera angle, on the actors' performance, or on the lighting, I had to look over my shoulder and BAM--there's Isaac, ready to give me an opinion without being overbearing. THANK GOD HE WAS THERE.

Also--continuity? KIND OF A BIG DEAL. Without Isaac we would've had awkward lighting changes from shot to shot, gotten lines mixed up, and had major flubs in the editing room. Not to worry, though--when someone is standing right over your shoulder the entire time, chances are they're not going to miss anything. No problems here!

As to my 2nd AD, Matthew--with sweet Isaac and nervous Me running things, we probably wouldn't have gotten anything done. We needed aggressive, assertive Matthew there to get things off the ground. With a total film buff on your side, you get a new perspective on things--he always had suggestions and references to how something should look on camera ("Make him look like Christian Bale." "I saw this lighting trick in a film, we should try it.") When you have someone around who has an opinion and is not afraid to use it, you definitely save a lot of time. We needed a pusher there, and we had one.

In addition, Matthew took a TON of production stills, and for that I am truly grateful seeing as my last film (the famous POSSESSION), had practically NO usable stills. Matthew had a great camera and he USED IT, and as a result when I get around to making a public internet page for this thing I'll have pictures to say, "See how awesomesauce this movie is? Don't you want to see it now?" Having stills is so much more than advertising, though--it's a way to look back, kind of a scrapbook for your film. It's something to show, Hey, I DID THIS.

...And it's 11:55 and I need to post this before the internet shuts off and I need to sleep before I start making less sense than I am right now.

STOLEN DIALOGUE

Person one: One time I woke up with 17 kidneys!

Person two: Harry, I know for a FACT that didn't happen!

"Don't chastise my straitjacket!"

Person one: I've lost my mind!

Person two: Sweetie, you never had it.

Person one: Don't remind me! It was a pleasant illusion!

Person one: He's being such an ass hat!

Person two: I don't know, my ass doesn't wear a hat...

Person one: What are you going to do when you have to make movies in Hollywood?

Person two: I'm never going to go to Hollywood. Hollywood can screw itself.

Person one: Really? I don't think that'll happen...but I don't know, I'd love to see an entire city screw itself.

Person one: Never mess with an intuitive girl, love...she'll kick your ass every time.

Person two: Since when are you intuitive? That would imply some kind of foresight and you had no idea I was interested in you until I asked, and even then...

Person one: Okay. I walked into that one.

[about Student Senate]

Some people need to talk more...and some people we need to put a muzzle on."

Out of the darkness, I'm coming alive

This is a collection of poetry and song lyrics I've written over the last year...

Poetry:

“Four A.M. on October 30”

Don’t know why I’ve made

The choices that have led me here

I’m within inches of giving up

I don’t want to give in to fear

I can’t be who they want

Sometimes I wonder why I try

I hate being stuck like this

When the only way out is to lie

I’m afraid I’ve messed up again

And I just want to hear her say

“It’s okay, sweetheart, Mommy’s here

Mommy’s going to save the day”

Haven’t slept at all tonight

I’ve been dreading what’s to come

Knowing that I’m messing up

Wanting comfort and finding none

Just another hopeless burnout

When I thought that I could shine

It doesn’t matter who I am

It’s what I do, that’s how I’m defined

"Learn to Heal"

I’ve had it with their games

And I’ve had it with them all

They’ll never understand

And I can’t make them understand

Who do you think you are

Making like I’m beneath you

Acting like I don’t matter

When I’m the one who will shine forever

And you will burn out, you will fade

Because I have what you don’t

I want this more than you will ever know

It is me, it is every cell of my body

With every breath I want it more

And you want what it offers

But you don’t want it

You will never want it the way I do

I’ll have things you can’t imagine

I love life with all I’ve got

You skim the surface, you play it safe

A fake risk-taker, that’s you—

You hold your cards tight

Play them close to your chest

You will never know the agony and the ecstasy

You don’t understand how or why

The world moves when you’re happy

Or slows when you’re sad

You don’t understand this, and you never will

And I’m here, I’m alive, like you can't be

Because I know that agony leads to ecstasy

I know that we bleed so that we can learn to heal.

"Red Lipstick"

I only recently started wearing red lipstick.

(The time I went as the Joker for Halloween doesn’t count.)

At first I didn’t notice anything different

until I kissed my friend on the cheek

and left a bright red lip print where I kissed her.

We thought it was so funny.

In return, she left her lipstick mark on my cheek,

and after that it became a joke

among our friends to leave “lip prints” on each other’s faces.

And that was all well and good until

I realized that there was one friend—

if you can even call it that—

who would never get a lipstick kiss from me, and that’s you.

I watched you all day in class today and

I thought it would be so much fun

to kiss you on the cheek and leave my mark.

But I didn’t, because that would just be silly.

Because then everyone would know,

and the magic would just disappear.

There’s something so magical about loving

someone who thinks you’ve got a screw loose.

Someone mysterious, someone weird.

Someone who can understand that not everything

in this world needs to have a point.

Did you know I kissed her? Did you?

Do you know I love you even though I never

see you because we’re so far apart

in more ways than one? Did you know

that I loved you the minute I looked at you?

Do you know just how badly I want to mark

your pale skin with my bright red lipstick?

Song lyrics:

"Awkward Breakup Song"

August was perfect, we were best friends

September the whirlwind brought in the rift

October I lost you to colleges and tests

November sweet seventeen we started to drift

And forgetting can be so painful

But remembering is that much worse

Used to think life couldn't be harder

Used to think that I was cursed

Nothing hurts like losing first love

And I think you needed to hear when I said

"I'm yours forever, don't leave me now"

Or if you knew I might just be your friend

If Sunday morning finds me in a white church

Saturday finds me partying all night

And if Monday I cry one last time for you

Tuesday will work out everything all right

Chorus:

Emotional words and intricate moments

I wish they didn't all think I was a loner

But catch me years later and you will find

All I really needed was a bit of time

The campus turned white and I lost my way

Winter lasts too long in North Michigan

It took so much time for me to turn around

But now Spring is coming, when new lives begin

And if I am foolish and can't fall out of love

I'll tear up your letters and burn the shreds

Dance until morning like no one's watching

Run straight into the arms of my new best friends

Find a party on campus, music up so loud

It can block out every memory of me and you

Scream so loud but no one has to hear me

And listen to rain falling I laugh far too soon

And I lose myself in them when I am there

I forget your touch right then that's okay

But when it comes to morning I'll cry again

When it's nighttime once more I will pray

Chorus

Met someone in Alliance with pretty pink hair

When somebody told me you'd never be there

And forgetting in time that you couldn't hear

I found myself screaming for all the wasted tears

And if I cling to you you in my sleep

Dreaming of those things you said to me

Remembering moments and whispered words

I'll forget they don't need to be heard

And I forget about you

You and your

Chorus

"Afraid of You"

You ask me what I’d do

I say I’d die for you

You say I am frightened

But you know it’s not the truth

You ask me what I’d say

I say I know it’s okay

You say I am too young

But you’ve come here anyway

Tell me what you need from me

You see I’m not afraid to bleed

Put my heart into your hands

Hope one day you’ll understand

That I am not afraid of you

I am not afraid of you

I am not afraid of you

I’m afraid of losing you

Chorus:

Take me into the twilight

Teach me to be like you

Take me into the moonlight

Take me straight on through

And when we find the morning star

Take me hold me in your arms

When midday comes with sky so blue

Tell me you know I am not afraid of you

You ask me if I would lie

I say I would never try

You say I am naïve

But you know I won’t cry

You ask if I understand

I say I know that I can

You say I am not in love

But you know it’s in God’s plan

Tell me that you know it’s real

You see it’s my heart you will steal

Wishing, praying, clasping my hands

Hoping someday you will understand

And I am not afraid of you

I am not afraid of you

I am not afraid of you

I’m afraid of losing you

Chorus

They say that you’ll hurt me

I say you’d never try

They say you’ll abandon me

I say, they think that why?

You say that you’re a danger

But I think it’s the other way around

They are trying to hurt you

They’ll never bring you down!

Tell me what you need from me

You see I’m not afraid to bleed

Put my heart into your hands

Now I know you understand

Chorus

"Deep Inside You"

[Note: If you can follow the changing "points of view" in this song and accurately guess its meaning, you will have my undying respect.]

Poor innocent thing, don't look for the truth

Hide inside yourself, pretend you know your life

Don't think twice when you say "I love you"

It's okay that you don't want to say good-bye

He'll look at her and say she's the one

You can laugh it off as you take your girl home

Now your friends say you're so damn lucky

But you know you might as well be all alone

And she knows every time she says, “kiss me”

A little part of you dies

She knows your heart's breaking

Baby you are living a lie

Chorus 1:

She doesn't like it when you scream that name

She can't take it she knows it's not her game

You tell her you don't need to know the truth

She knows the secrets you're holding deep inside you

Tell her the truth it's not like that, you see

He wants her like she wants a bullet in the head

He never hated her but she's not what he needs

But it's not like that, he can live like this instead

He wants to be in your arms late at night yeah

You can't know it's hard to be in this state

You're waiting too long, take him right now

That girl's not naive she knows that it's too late

And she knows every time she says, “kiss me”

A little part of him dies

She knows his heart's breaking

He is living a lie

Chorus 2:

She doesn't like it when he screams your name

She can't take it she knows it's not her game

He'll tell her she don't need to know the truth

She knows the secrets you're holding deep inside you

You see him come to you late at night yeah

And you're in a situation that you both hate

You see them together you know you're not his

You're not naive you know that it's too late

And you know every time you say "kiss me"

A little part of him dies

You know his heart's breaking just like yours

You are both living a lie

Chorus 3:

You don't like it when he screams that name

You can't take it you know it's not your game

He'll tell you that you don't need to know the truth

You know the secrets you all hold deep inside you