Out of the darkness, I'm coming alive

This is a collection of poetry and song lyrics I've written over the last year...

Poetry:

“Four A.M. on October 30”

Don’t know why I’ve made

The choices that have led me here

I’m within inches of giving up

I don’t want to give in to fear

I can’t be who they want

Sometimes I wonder why I try

I hate being stuck like this

When the only way out is to lie

I’m afraid I’ve messed up again

And I just want to hear her say

“It’s okay, sweetheart, Mommy’s here

Mommy’s going to save the day”

Haven’t slept at all tonight

I’ve been dreading what’s to come

Knowing that I’m messing up

Wanting comfort and finding none

Just another hopeless burnout

When I thought that I could shine

It doesn’t matter who I am

It’s what I do, that’s how I’m defined

"Learn to Heal"

I’ve had it with their games

And I’ve had it with them all

They’ll never understand

And I can’t make them understand

Who do you think you are

Making like I’m beneath you

Acting like I don’t matter

When I’m the one who will shine forever

And you will burn out, you will fade

Because I have what you don’t

I want this more than you will ever know

It is me, it is every cell of my body

With every breath I want it more

And you want what it offers

But you don’t want it

You will never want it the way I do

I’ll have things you can’t imagine

I love life with all I’ve got

You skim the surface, you play it safe

A fake risk-taker, that’s you—

You hold your cards tight

Play them close to your chest

You will never know the agony and the ecstasy

You don’t understand how or why

The world moves when you’re happy

Or slows when you’re sad

You don’t understand this, and you never will

And I’m here, I’m alive, like you can't be

Because I know that agony leads to ecstasy

I know that we bleed so that we can learn to heal.

"Red Lipstick"

I only recently started wearing red lipstick.

(The time I went as the Joker for Halloween doesn’t count.)

At first I didn’t notice anything different

until I kissed my friend on the cheek

and left a bright red lip print where I kissed her.

We thought it was so funny.

In return, she left her lipstick mark on my cheek,

and after that it became a joke

among our friends to leave “lip prints” on each other’s faces.

And that was all well and good until

I realized that there was one friend—

if you can even call it that—

who would never get a lipstick kiss from me, and that’s you.

I watched you all day in class today and

I thought it would be so much fun

to kiss you on the cheek and leave my mark.

But I didn’t, because that would just be silly.

Because then everyone would know,

and the magic would just disappear.

There’s something so magical about loving

someone who thinks you’ve got a screw loose.

Someone mysterious, someone weird.

Someone who can understand that not everything

in this world needs to have a point.

Did you know I kissed her? Did you?

Do you know I love you even though I never

see you because we’re so far apart

in more ways than one? Did you know

that I loved you the minute I looked at you?

Do you know just how badly I want to mark

your pale skin with my bright red lipstick?

Song lyrics:

"Awkward Breakup Song"

August was perfect, we were best friends

September the whirlwind brought in the rift

October I lost you to colleges and tests

November sweet seventeen we started to drift

And forgetting can be so painful

But remembering is that much worse

Used to think life couldn't be harder

Used to think that I was cursed

Nothing hurts like losing first love

And I think you needed to hear when I said

"I'm yours forever, don't leave me now"

Or if you knew I might just be your friend

If Sunday morning finds me in a white church

Saturday finds me partying all night

And if Monday I cry one last time for you

Tuesday will work out everything all right

Chorus:

Emotional words and intricate moments

I wish they didn't all think I was a loner

But catch me years later and you will find

All I really needed was a bit of time

The campus turned white and I lost my way

Winter lasts too long in North Michigan

It took so much time for me to turn around

But now Spring is coming, when new lives begin

And if I am foolish and can't fall out of love

I'll tear up your letters and burn the shreds

Dance until morning like no one's watching

Run straight into the arms of my new best friends

Find a party on campus, music up so loud

It can block out every memory of me and you

Scream so loud but no one has to hear me

And listen to rain falling I laugh far too soon

And I lose myself in them when I am there

I forget your touch right then that's okay

But when it comes to morning I'll cry again

When it's nighttime once more I will pray

Chorus

Met someone in Alliance with pretty pink hair

When somebody told me you'd never be there

And forgetting in time that you couldn't hear

I found myself screaming for all the wasted tears

And if I cling to you you in my sleep

Dreaming of those things you said to me

Remembering moments and whispered words

I'll forget they don't need to be heard

And I forget about you

You and your

Chorus

"Afraid of You"

You ask me what I’d do

I say I’d die for you

You say I am frightened

But you know it’s not the truth

You ask me what I’d say

I say I know it’s okay

You say I am too young

But you’ve come here anyway

Tell me what you need from me

You see I’m not afraid to bleed

Put my heart into your hands

Hope one day you’ll understand

That I am not afraid of you

I am not afraid of you

I am not afraid of you

I’m afraid of losing you

Chorus:

Take me into the twilight

Teach me to be like you

Take me into the moonlight

Take me straight on through

And when we find the morning star

Take me hold me in your arms

When midday comes with sky so blue

Tell me you know I am not afraid of you

You ask me if I would lie

I say I would never try

You say I am naïve

But you know I won’t cry

You ask if I understand

I say I know that I can

You say I am not in love

But you know it’s in God’s plan

Tell me that you know it’s real

You see it’s my heart you will steal

Wishing, praying, clasping my hands

Hoping someday you will understand

And I am not afraid of you

I am not afraid of you

I am not afraid of you

I’m afraid of losing you

Chorus

They say that you’ll hurt me

I say you’d never try

They say you’ll abandon me

I say, they think that why?

You say that you’re a danger

But I think it’s the other way around

They are trying to hurt you

They’ll never bring you down!

Tell me what you need from me

You see I’m not afraid to bleed

Put my heart into your hands

Now I know you understand

Chorus

"Deep Inside You"

[Note: If you can follow the changing "points of view" in this song and accurately guess its meaning, you will have my undying respect.]

Poor innocent thing, don't look for the truth

Hide inside yourself, pretend you know your life

Don't think twice when you say "I love you"

It's okay that you don't want to say good-bye

He'll look at her and say she's the one

You can laugh it off as you take your girl home

Now your friends say you're so damn lucky

But you know you might as well be all alone

And she knows every time she says, “kiss me”

A little part of you dies

She knows your heart's breaking

Baby you are living a lie

Chorus 1:

She doesn't like it when you scream that name

She can't take it she knows it's not her game

You tell her you don't need to know the truth

She knows the secrets you're holding deep inside you

Tell her the truth it's not like that, you see

He wants her like she wants a bullet in the head

He never hated her but she's not what he needs

But it's not like that, he can live like this instead

He wants to be in your arms late at night yeah

You can't know it's hard to be in this state

You're waiting too long, take him right now

That girl's not naive she knows that it's too late

And she knows every time she says, “kiss me”

A little part of him dies

She knows his heart's breaking

He is living a lie

Chorus 2:

She doesn't like it when he screams your name

She can't take it she knows it's not her game

He'll tell her she don't need to know the truth

She knows the secrets you're holding deep inside you

You see him come to you late at night yeah

And you're in a situation that you both hate

You see them together you know you're not his

You're not naive you know that it's too late

And you know every time you say "kiss me"

A little part of him dies

You know his heart's breaking just like yours

You are both living a lie

Chorus 3:

You don't like it when he screams that name

You can't take it you know it's not your game

He'll tell you that you don't need to know the truth

You know the secrets you all hold deep inside you

The Quote Machine

Wow...wow, wow, wow. So I have epically failed...AGAIN.

Have I really only blogged once this month? Unfortunately, yes.

Have I skipped out on updating...AGAIN? Yes.

BUT. Is there anything to blog about around here? Not really, unless you all would like a thrilling episode of Beatnik Belle's Dad Does Laundry While Her Mother Curses at a Motorcyclist.

Still, is that an excuse? No. Should I stop bitching and just write about SOMETHING? Well, of course. When people stop bugging you for a blog post because they know it's useless to even try, you KNOW you've failed.

So no more fails, okay? Seriously, guys. It's okay to pester me. Hell, it's PREFERABLE for you to pester me--at least that way I don't have the option of saying, "Well, no one really misses it that much anyway." No one likes a kick in the pants and the lovely "BLOG OR ELSE" message...but, and I will only say this once, if I do one of my go-for-fifteen-days-without-so-much-as-a-stolen-dialogue-post things, NAG ME.

So what have I been doing the last...gulp...two weeks? Well, I wish I could say I was busy, but sadly, that's not the truth. The truth is I spent 50% of that time sick, 20% minus computer privileges, and 10% arguing with my parents over college and careers.

BUT. I have to blog about SOMETHING. And with nothing interesting of my own to say at the current time (don't blame me, I'm tired and I just drove 700 miles with my mother), I figured tonight's blog would be one big damn "Stolen Dialogue: The Extreme Edition." These might not necessarily be the funniest quotes in the world. On the flipside, they might not be the most inspirational. But they mean something to me, so I figured I'd share a few with you...if you aren't rolling your eyes and thinking, "What the heck is she doing?" by now.

So here it is (if you're interested): The Beatnik Belle Quote List--Stolen Dialogue, Quotes, Song Lyrics, and Whatever the Hell Else I Can Think Of.


THE QUOTES

"Why would you want to drive alone...When you can have the woman next to you in the car, cranking out non-stop updated traffic information? It's like having a brand-new radio station! You're listening to All Driving Complaints Radio...Busting YOUR balls from the driveway to the highway! You get all the great hits! 'Your exit's coming up'...'Your exit's coming up'...'Your exit's coming up'...'Your exit's coming up'...'Your exit's coming up'...And here's the sick, mean, twisted, unfair part: She drives like she's Ted Kennedy and the liquor store's closing in five minutes."--Richard Jeni

"If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with."--Michael Jackson (Yes, I HAD to put a quote of his in this blog.)

"A guy goes into a barber shop, all those pictures on the wall, says 'I'd like to look like HIM,' the barber can never go, 'Listen, you fat pig, he is a male model, YOU are a human sloth, you listening to me? You want to look like him, how about I start by trimming some of your fat face you porkadelic, you centerfold for Meat Magazine, you heaving humping hog of life...I don't mean that in a bad way."--Dom Irrera

"There's a very fine line between a groove and a rut; a fine line between eccentrics and people who are just plain nuts."--Christine Lavin

"You know, I didn’t get signed until I was 22 years old. And honestly I was working 60 hours a week just trying to make ends meet. Same with everyone else in the band. Trying to make rent, trying to stay alive. Still trying to tour in Duke’s mom’s mini-van on the weekends when we could. We understand how it is and we understand how hard it is if you don’t have help and you don’t have certain things that some people have."--Ronnie Winter

"Eighty percent of all Americans believe that angels are around us all the time. And who's to say they're wrong?"--Richard Jeni

Ed Wood: Mr. Weiss, I have never told anyone what I'm about to tell you, but I really want this job...I like to dress in women's clothing.
Weiss: Are you a fruit?
Ed Wood: No, not at all, I love women. Wearing their clothes makes me feel closer to them.
Weiss: You're not a fruit.
Ed Wood: No, I'm all man, I even fought in WWII...course, I was wearing women's undergarments under my uniform.
--From the movie Ed Wood

"There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it has never yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day."--Friedrich Nietzsche

"If people make fun of you, it probably means you're doing something right."--Amy Lee

"I love sports. I love animals. I love kids. I want to save the world. So how do I combine all those things? I don't know."--Joan Jett

"I dream for a living."--Steven Spielberg

“They’re [the audience] saying to me, ‘Show us.’ And I know what’s coming next, and I say ‘doom.’ And therefore, that’s the avoidance of the cliché. They’re expecting the cliché, and I have to say, ‘We cannot have a cliché here.’”--Alfred Hitchcock

"I don't need a happy ending. I feel much happier coming out of a movie like Sid and Nancy than I do...Ghost or something. I feel like yes, I understand, and I love it and I get it, and because it acknowledges a certain way that I feel about life, I actually feel better. I see something like that, and it makes me happy."--Tim Burton

"Thanksgiving, it's like we didn't even TRY to come up with a tradition there! The tradition is, we overeat! 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just, uh, eat a lot? But we do that every day! All right...how about we eat a lot with people who annoy the hell out of us?'"--Jim Gaffigan



SONG LYRICS

Well she never was the best
At following the trends
Stayed one step above the rest
Even though it seemed like the world was crashing on her
Didn't let it hold her down
Didn't hold her back oh no, no
Don't worry, you'll show them...
--Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, "Seventeen ain't so sweet"

Walking around looking down, for something better
There's nothing better
Same old weird and familiar sound
Just you leaving town
My God, August came around--
Summer comes and leaves you with a fever
That you caught when you were young
Summer goes, makes you feel like life is real
And hanging on for more...
--The Almost, "Summer Summer"

I scream into the night for you
Don't make it true, don't jump
The lights will not guide you through
They're deceiving you, don't jump
Don't let memories go of me and you
The world is down there out of view
Please don't jump
--Tokio Hotel, "Don't Jump"

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
'Cause they're all wrong
And that last kiss I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes it harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling, who knew?
--Pink, "Who Knew"

Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one, I still got the seed
You said "Move on," where do I go?
I guess second best is all I will know
--Katy Perry, "Thinking of You"

We all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through
Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Don't stop waiting you're one step closer
Don't stop searching it's not over, hold on
--Good Charlotte, "Hold On"

We're passing the time by breaking apart
We're damned at the end
And we're damned at the start
Blame it on the roses, blame it on the red
We're running out of time
And we're running out of breath
Saying, hey now we're bleeding for nothing
It's hard to breathe when you're standing on your own
We'll kill ourselves to find freedom
You'd kill yourself to find anything at all
--Augustana, "Hey Now"

I don't ever wanna see you again
Why oh why you wear sunglasses in the home
When the sun went down about an hour ago?
Why oh why you wear sunglasses in the home
When the sun went down about an hour ago?
Life should not be that way
Always up or down, never down and out
Dream of demons while you sleep
That make you stutter when you speak
Speak now or forever hold your peace, in pieces
--The Academy Is..., "Down and Out"



STOLEN DIALOGUE:

Person one: Mom, this pancake is brilliant!
Person two: Brilliant?
Person three: It's a very smart pancake.

"I cower in the safety of my own underpants."

Person one: Order now and get a third Snuggie!
Person two: What the heck would you do with three Snuggies?
Person one: Hey, I have two Snuggies at home!
Person three: Who thought up Snuggies, anyway? Some guy at home going, "My blanket is so complicated, how do I pick stuff up? Oh, I know--I'll REACH OUT!
Person one: They're not as stupid as they look! Okay, the pockets might be a bit much--
Person three: POCKETS?!

Person one: Hey, that's just like my camera...only mine doesn't have a GPS. Wow. When the hell would you need to put a GPS on a camera?
Person two: So you can find it, when you lose the damn thing.

Person one: What do you think of that car?
Person two (points to car): That one?
Person one: No, the other one.
Person two: The old ugly brown pickup truck?
Person two: Well, I guess I have my answer...

"I find that black ankle socks give me that extra VOOM in the morning, you know what I mean?"

"The bananas were exceptionally ripe today."

"That GPS is probably wondering why we bought it...because so far all you've done is ignore its instructions."

"How do you say that to someone? 'Hello, yes, I was just wondering if you turned my would-be boyfriend against me. Oh, by the way, how's the college prep coming?'"

"Today is a bad day. My ex-wife called me and I'm out of toilet paper."