*Peeks out from behind wall*
Is anyone there?
Oh. Hi. Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if you've forgotten me, it's been...what...two weeks? Yeah...Hello. I guess I kind of owe some people an explanation. First of all, no, don't worry, I have not been kidnapped/killed/disfigured/comatose. I have been extremely busy with school, midterms (ah, midterms...because it TOTALLY makes sense to cram every important test into two short days), my thesis, and just life in general. So, no, I have not abandoned my blog. In fact I am going to blog MORE over the next couple of weeks, because it will be SPRING BREAK!!!! and I will have more time on my hands. AND I'll have more material, because I will be COLLEGE VISITING!
I will eventually talk about what's been going on around here. But first...well, let's just say I'm long overdue for a film rant. And so, my lovely blog-buddies (if you haven't given up on me yet), I proudly present to you...
THE REMAKE RANT.
Okay. I am a patient person when it comes to remakes. In fact, there have been times when I've liked a remake better than the original (The Karate Kid being prime a prime example of this). However, there is one thing that I can't stand: When an American filmmaker tries to do a "remake" of a foreign film.
THIS. DRIVES. ME. CRAZY.
There is a reason that I adamantly refuse to see Let Me In. I would be sitting there the entire time saying "What the hell, that's not how it's supposed to happen!" no matter how good the film might be, simply because there is no way in heck that I would be able to separate the Swedish film Let the Right One In from its American counterpart--because, hey, let's be honest, no remake of that movie could ever surpass the original.
Rule #1 of a remake: If you're going to re-do something, first pick something that could use improvement in some way or other. Look at The Karate Kid: did it suck? No. Is it a classic, one of those movies that "you just have to see?" Heck yeah. Is it hilarious? Of course. But were there things that could improve? Definitely...which is why I jumped at the chance to see the 2010 remake.
Personally--again, this is a blog, not a film history class; feel free to take my opinions and drop kick them if you feel the need to do so--I think that the remake of The Karate Kid has about twice the soul and personality of the original. People whine about how making the kids younger took away believability--I disagree. I saw this when I was seventeen, saw the original when I was about fifteen, and felt about ten times more connection to Jaden Smith than I felt to Ralph Macchio. Having dealt with both grade-school and high-school bullies, I can happily tell you that I'd much rather be confronted with some obnoxious, too-big-for-their-britches high-schoolers than a gang of kung fu-practicing ten-year-olds. (No, the fact that I studied martial arts for five years has no impact on this decision whatsoever. I swear.)
But I'm definitely digressing. Point is, if you're going to remake something, take something that you think could be improved upon, choose something you want to improve, and go for it. For the remake of The Karate Kid, they took some of the melodrama out of the film and replaced it with genuine emotion, which I think was definitely a big improvement.
Now, if you're going to remake a true classic, a work of cinematic art, something likePsycho...well, that's a bit different. You don't just need to find something to improve upon, you need to find your own twist. And no, before we get into this, modernizing something (thinkYours, Mine, & Ours) does not count as a "twist." This is why I was so disappointed with Gus Van Sant's shot-by-shot remake of Psycho...you'd think that colorizing the film would kick it up a notch, but if you're going to remake something like Psycho, for God's sake, do not cast Vince Vaughn. Just don't.
So recently, I watched a film in my Writing About War class called The Experiment, and if that sounds like the title of a stunningly bad work of melodrama, that's because IT IS. I had high hopes for this movie after hearing that Cam Gigandet was in a prominent role. I was even more excited when I figured out that he was probably going to be a villain. Oh, was I ever disappointed.
The Experiment boasts some of the worst directing I have ever seen. Literally. I swear to you, here is how this guy directed his actors:
"Okay guys...here's what we're going to do...when I say 'Action'...everyone make sure you say every single line through your teeth *grits teeth* like this...and then you guys playing guards, you all look really tough, and you guys playing prisoners, I want this half to look defiant and this half to look scared...can we do that? Oh, okay. GO! ACTION!"
In addition to the direction, there was the story. The movie was based on a German film, which was based on the Stanford Prison Experiment. In the actual prison experiment, no one died. All of the participants were college-age. Yes, people went crazy (I think this was expected, actually) and turned from normal civilians into "prisoners" and "guards." But it was not--repeat, NOT--what this movie made it out to be.
As is usually the case with terrible movies, I feel no guilt about spoiling it. The German film,Das Experiment, was absolutely terrifying. You're on-edge the entire time. You actually give a crap about the characters. The Experiment, on the other hand, was a train wreck of the worst kind. This film made me look forward to watching an instructional video on how to clean a DVD player. I felt absolutely no sympathy for the characters, I had no clue what was going on ("Oh, shit, this guy is dying. I'd better go climb a chain-link wall and bite a camera, because THAT will definitely help him live!" "Oh, damn, there's been a prison riot. We all nearly killed each other. Let's go outside and sit on the grass, and everything will be fine!"), and worst of all, I hated the story.
The core of The Experiment is this: A stereotypically shiftless twentysomething (or possibly thirtysomething) man rediscovers religion through a brutal experiment and a pretty girl.
This could be a good concept, if done correctly. But this was NOT well-done. Trust me. The casting was "meh" at best. Cam Gigandet kicks ass as the obnoxiously cruel playboy-turned-prison guard, so stereotypically arrogant that you can tell he's a jerk the second he gets on the screen...but he's about the only one. Honestly, he was the only person who I found to be even vaguely threatening. Every other "guard" made me crack up.
For anyone unfamiliar with the Prison Experiment (and everyone who didn't bother to click on the link), a scientist decided to replicate a prison environment. Out of about two dozen volunteers, a handful were chosen to be guards and the rest were prisoners. In real life this was bad enough--to quote my good friend Mishka, who in the hell would EVER think that this could turn out well?--but in the film it's a nightmare. Two people get killed. Every single person needs medical attention by the end of the film. AND NO ONE DOES ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
The best way I could sum up this film would be to call it Twilight for the macho man. It's essentially torture porn. Every five minutes, someone gets beaten up. A man gets his head dunked in the toilet, gets peed on, gets his head shaved against his will, gets handcuffed to a wall, and gets his ass kicked on multiple occasions. Another guy gets beaten for trying to help a prisoner with diabetes. Several times, Cam Gigandet's character tries to rape a prisoner. And throughout all of this, we manage to NEVER FEEL SORRY for the characters. My thoughts during most of the scenes were not "Oh shit, that sucks, I feel for that guy," rather, my thought process was more along the lines of, "What the flying hell just happened?"
The moral of this story? Well, actually, there's two: One for the filmmaker, and one for the film viewer.
To the filmmaker: Please, please, please, for the love of all that's decent, have some self-respect and don't take a foreign film and remake it into torture porn. Even if you're trying to make a statement. Trust me, there are better ways to do it.
To the film viewer: Don't watch a remake without seeing the original film. If it's a foreign film, well, there are these lovely little things called subtitles. They're helpful. Use them. And if you absolutely MUST see the American remake, do yourself a favor and see the original film first. Are there occasions when remakes can be good? Absolutely. Is this always the case? Unfortunately not. So please--for the last time--pretty please, with a cherry on top, see the damn original film.
And now for the serious portion of our show...
In the past I have written about the weirdness of film majors, the excitement of NaNoWriMo, the importance of sticking up for what you believe in, the power of a stripped-down performance or reading at the legendary Coffeehouse, the rite of passage that is celebrity worship, the insanity that inevitably occurs when you go to a boarding arts high school, and the massive amounts of complaining that I've overheard/done while at Interlochen. I have been controversial about movies from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory to The Godfather. I have blabbed incessantly about how much I love Michael Jackson and how I will assert to the very end that he never did anything wrong. I have quoted everyone from Aly & AJ to Allen Ginsberg.
This is supposed to be one of the few places I have where I can say what I want to say without giving a damn who likes it or dislikes it. (The other outlet I have for this purpose is called "my parents." Isn't THAT bassackwards?) This is supposed to be an online journal, of sorts--just write about what I want, when I want to write about it.
And yet I find myself constantly saying, "Oh crap, is this too much?" and apologizing for what I write, or justifying my opinions. ("I'm sorry that I didn't like The Godfather, but..." or "You can feel free to just disregard my opinion on this, but...") Or, worst of all, defending myself in person to people who comment on my blog. I've been confronted by people and found myself apologizing ("Oh, I'm so sorry you disagree with me on Michael Jackson, I didn't mean to offend you!") or defended my opinion ("Look guys, just because you loved Tim Burton's version of Chocolate Factory doesn't mean that I have to!") all because I'm afraid of what people will think.
No. Sorry. That's not how this works.
This is not a revolutionary rebellious whatever; this is a place where I can express opinions, however strange or random they may be. It's time for me to stop getting defensive and worrying about what people will think/say when they read this. I don't care if I offend you; if you're offended by what I write, then don't read the blog anymore. It's that simple. I'm not out to kick people in the face here; I'm just saying, this is the way I am, and if that bothers you, no one is forcing you to deal with me.
Sorry to sound harsh (damn it, I'm doing it again!! but, in my defense, I actually mean this one), but I'm sick of taking crap from people. As my mother is constantly telling me, "You teach people how to treat you." If I stop taking crap from people, there is the chance that they will, eventually, stop giving it to me.
And now, let's lighten up from this self-evaluation business and get to everybody's favorite...
STOLEN DIALOGUE!
"I'd rather kiss a non-responsive ass cheek than have a freshman slobber on me for five minutes."
"There is nothing classy about moose antlers."
"It's not an 'Oh, come on, administration, REALLY?' kind of suspension, it's more of a 'Give that motherf**ker what he deserves' kind of suspension."
"A cathedral is a hunk of art on a hill with a religion attached."
Person one: If you get up every morning and say "I'm happy, healthy, and hearty," you will get more accomplished during the day.
Person two: And your roommate will think you're insane.
Teacher: "I never cared about grades in school. The only grade I never got was an F, but other than that, man, I hit the spectrum! A's, B's, C's, D's...as long as I learned the material I didn't care!"
"The other day I was at the salad bar and these guys had plates of tofu and peas one of them was like, 'Bro, you're gonna want some sprouts with that.' I'm sorry, but if you're about to eat tofu you should not be saying 'Bro.'"
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